dating, Writing

How Does One Date in London: Part 2

So I went on my first OKCupid date last week and he was late. Not by much, but enough to send me down the spiral of ‘well, if he’s late for this, does this mean he’s late paying bills, late to the party, late to know the latest trends? Should I just scream ‘ALRIGHT LARRY LATENESS’ when he walks in, and knock my drink off the table, before running screaming into the night?’

So I am staring at every man who came in the door thinking, is that him? Is that him? Because people obviously select the best photos for their profiles (apart from one guy, who had photos of him screaming at plates at food) and some people don’t look like there photos. At all. I might not,  I have a weird face. I like my face, but it’s not hugely photogenic (as an ex once pointed out), so I sabotage most of my photos by making ‘weird face,’ in order to save my esteem for when I look at it later, and think ‘what are you doing nose?’ Continue reading “How Does One Date in London: Part 2”

dating, Writing

How Does One ‘Date ‘ in London?

So I’ve moved to London aka The Big Smoke (my bogies have turned quite a dark colour since I moved here, should I be worried?) to try and make it in the city, much like Babe, the legendary pig, before me. I had always wanted to move to London, but in the same way I had always wanted to climb up a mountain in Nepal – if I talk about it enough whilst drunk, it will eventually happen, though through no effort on my part. Continue reading “How Does One ‘Date ‘ in London?”

Comedy, Writing

15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die

Why not visit London, the capital of the UK, and show your butt the best places in the world for your butt to get stuck in.

The faces of all the Waxworks at Madam Tussauds

Her butt has nothing on your butt

With so many famous celebrities on display, you would be absolutely insane to miss out on the opportunity to stick your butt in the face of Harry from One Direction, compare butts with Kim Kardashian or do a stinky old fart in David Cameron’s face.

On a Window in The London Eye

So many people will see your butt

Stick your butt up against the glass of this giant Ferris Wheel and treat your butt to the best view of London.

In This Cocktail

Flowers for your butt

The Punch Room at The London Edition does cocktails that are big enough to put your butt in, and are solely made for butt squatting. So squat over that bar, and nestle your butt into this lovely ornate bowl.

In this Burger at Burger & Beyond

Please insert your butt here

Stick your buns between these buns.

In The National Gallery

Those men look impressed sure, but they ain’t seen your butt yet

There are so many butts on display at this art gallery, that your butt will thank you when you stick it in the air and wiggle it around in the nude section, and then everyone will think your butt is a famous butt as well.

Up Against the Shark tank at The London Aquarium

Sharks don’t have butts

Show those shark wankers who’s boss by sticking your butt right in their pointy little faces. Your butt will love the thrill of nearly being eaten.

In a Chair Watching Hamilton

They are all applauding your butt

Apparently it’s super good, and you’re butt might not be able to see but it can listen to all the rapping. Your butt loves rapping.

In a Toilet at Harrods

A perfect home for your butt

Save up your daily poop until you visit the posh loo at Harrods. Brown’s hand lotion jostles for space next to Lord Fauntleroy’s butt soap and your butt will thank you when it lets a big smelly poop out over the porcelain bowl of abject wealth and expendable income.

In the Thames

City cruise? Butt cruise more like

In the 1997 documentary Spiceworld, the Spice Girls fell into the River Thames, so why not get on a boat tour and dunk your little butt over the side, and let the waves of girl power gently lap over it.

In a Guard’s Face at Buckingham Palace

He’s waiting for your butt

These crazy guys aren’t meant to move for anything, so imagine the joy that can come from waggling your butt in their face!

In a Lift Going up to the Top of The Gherkin

This wouldnt fit up your butt

Give your butt the best view of London, and London the best view of your butt by getting your butt out in this giant butt plug.

In a Bowl of Cereal at Cereal Killers

They want your butt on their frosted flakes

All this sightseeing is going to be hard on your butt, so let it relax for a while in a cool bowl of milky Lucky Charms.

In a Cats face at Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium

Show him who’s boss

Cat’s have weird butts, and they’re always showing them off because they think their butt is better than your butt. Show them who is the butt boss by sticking your butt in their face in this Cat’s Butt Cafe.

On a Comfy Chair at Shoreditch House

Leather feels good on your butt

A Member’s (butt)bar in trendy Shoreditch, where entry is guaranteed if you have a fabulous butt. You’re sexy butt can go and mingle with other famous butts, or you can make your butt famous by showing your butt off for all to see.

Continue reading “15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die”