My wife could have been the greatest actress of her generation; she could have been a star. She studied drama at one of the renowned acronym theatre schools, and was considered a natural by peers and lecturers alike. She played Shakespearean heroines with enough grace to bring reviewers to their knees, to coax tears from … More My Wife, The Actress
What is the end game of a date? Please tell me, I am an urban legend, and have forgotten about sex. I keep getting invited in for coffee and when they open up cupboards devoid of caffeinated beverages and I ask why they lied, their expectant smiles turn upside down. I see I might have … More Breeding
“It’s a static zoo,” I joke and she smiles tightly, one of her patent smiles that comes with an inwards eye roll and two or three resentful thoughts as standard. I push my nose up against a glass cabinet full of stuffed hummingbirds. “You’re dead and I’m not, ha-ha,” I sing at them. Their wings … More He and She Pretending
Melanie and me. Melanie and I. Myself and Melanie. Me and my Mel. She had been a dull lump before she met me, just a blur to men. She was nothing until I took her under my wing and educated her in the ways of persuasion, told her it was okay to tell them what … More You Only Talk about the Past with your Friends from University
What if our lives were in three acts, like the movies? Act One: We would have to have an inciting incident every time we fell into a funk. We would have to develop some kind of character flaw, which was all about avoidance, backing out of the bedroom, the boardroom and the bakery when anyone … More What if our lives were in three act structures?
Originally appearing on the In Between Time Festival Gathering Storm mini site, this is a reactionary piece I was asked to write as part of my role as Festival writer. It relates to the themes of the international festival, which in 2015 was Storm. I focused on the the future prospects for my unborn child. Not like, … More My Child
I noticed you like talking about Pretzels a lot so when you returned home I ran to your door in London with a white pretzel. It had been dipped in the milky bar kid, but you shook your head at me. You did not want my pretzel. I thought it was because you just wanted … More Pretzels
So shall I start or do you want to go first? No? How does it work? It’s simple. I tell you everything I am scared of – living, dead or otherwise, and you do the same. ….. Well, the point is we both feel exposed. It’s all about building trust, about showing each other our … More Salvaging: A One Sided Conversation
Let’s get minimum wage jobs and talk about how we will spend our lottery wins. You can’t make art with flat pack instructions. You can’t make love with wikihow instructions, and where is Waldo? Really? You know all I wanted when I was younger was someone to drink Ribena with, to talk about Judy Blume with. But If we break up, who gets … More When the Manic Pixie Dream Couple talk
Wake up from a coma. Pretend to forget the last ten years of your life. Start again. That is how you travel backwards through time.