Comedy, Writing

New Years Rez for 2016

1. Get a cool chin scar.

2. Forget I made this list.

3. Stop playing the “What Would Happen Next if this was a Horror Film?” game whenever I am alone at night

4. Learn to accept compliments by acknowledging each one with the words “I know right?” Continue reading “New Years Rez for 2016”

Comedy, Writing

Christmas Traditions – Why?

Christmas Trees! Everythings red! Father Christmas! WHY WHY WHY?

Christmas, an excuse to get drunk before lunch. And traditions. And farty sprout bums. And goodwill to all people.

But mostly traditions.

But why all these traditions?

Is it because of the Christmas police, who burst through our doors every year, waving their batons  and screaming “DO YOU ALL HAVE YOUR PARTY HATS ON!” and “WHY DOES THIS 5 YEAR OLD NOT HAVE A BADLY WRAPPED UP BICYCLE UNDER THE TREE!”

This week I asked myself some of the big questions about Christmas traditions. Continue reading “Christmas Traditions – Why?”

Comedy, Writing

Recipes: Vege Sausage Surprise!

Those cold winter nights are a-creeping in, and all you want is something warm and delicious in your belly.

Why not try out my vege sausage suprise for your next dinner party or Christmas family gathering? it’s quick, easy and delicious, and will delight and suprise your guests. Continue reading “Recipes: Vege Sausage Surprise!”

Blog, Comedy, Writing

Tales from the fringe: THE FINAL TALE

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Myself and Jade thought we were pretty clever when we decided to start exit flyering after Austentatious, (an improv Jane Austen show which is meant to be amazeballs and is regularly selling out), but now EVERYONE is flyering after Austentatious.

There were 15 other flyerers there yesterday, and we all stood like zombies outside the exits, manically clutching our flyers, trying to shuffle in front of each other and practicing our pitches.

Then the doors opened. And all hell broke lose. Continue reading “Tales from the fringe: THE FINAL TALE”

Comedy, Writing

Tales from the Fringe 5

After the show yesterday a man threw 10p in coppers into my bucket. Followed by his friend who threw in 36p, and a third friend who threw in a £1. Now, maths wise that adds up to… dick all and it left me feeling pretty down (and hungry), especially after a particularly emotional show. It hurt.

I wanted to say to him:

I know it’s a free show on the free fringe, but I feel there is a silent contract in place between performer and audience member. A gentleman’s agreement if you will. It says free but you need to be prepared to throw some money into the bucket. It’s the polite thing to do. The British thing to do goddamit. If you have been entertained, moved, did a laugh, even once, then you give a donation and make it more than 10p in coppers. Make it a fiver. Even if you didn’t think it was the best thing in the world, it’s still cheaper than some of the other shows (not as cheap as a Wetherspoons breakfast I grant you) and some people have stickers to hand out to those who donate, so there is still a reward system in place. I turn my tricks for you, and you put money in my little plastic bucket (that’s what I call my vagina!) and it should be more than 10p in coppers. It should be more than a £1. My average audience is about 8, so when 3 of them give me £1.36 between them, it really makes a difference. Continue reading “Tales from the Fringe 5”

Comedy, Writing

Tales from the Fringe part 4

Hello dear readers

In my first blog post regarding the Edinburgh fringe I mentioned flyering to an older lady who told me I was beautiful. Well, that old lady (circa bout your nans age) came to my show on Sunday evening, flyer in hand, excited to see the show. She sat in the front and asked if I would be dancing, I told her that sadly I would not be (like most girls from Surrey, I have no rhythm) and I warned her there would be some swearing. And I say the word spunking quite aggressively.

She said she was totally cool with that. Continue reading “Tales from the Fringe part 4”

Comedy, Writing

Tales from the Fringe 3

Yesterday was an interesting one. After a mostly potato based breakfast at The City Cafe, I did an afternoon of slightly lacklustre flyering, (energy levels steadily becoming depleted, I keep dreaming about weird things, like having animals for shoulder pads, and also fuck these hills)

I then did an interview with the BBC for their love festival site (I know guys…. the freaking BBC) which should be up by Wednesday. They wanted to see the head but unfortunately it was locked up in the venue, so they had to make do with my head instead. (The head looks more and more like a paper mache testicle every day – it is slowly becoming a thing of paper mache nightmares and I am worried it is going to kill me. I am going to destroy it at the end of the last show, lest it bring forth the paper mache apocalypse. I shall shed a single tear as I hold my hand over its paper mache mouth to stop it taking its last breath) Continue reading “Tales from the Fringe 3”