Comedy, Writing

Tales From the Fringe: It Starts

So after spending two weeks at The Edinburgh Fringe in 2015, and nearly losing my mind, I am back here again for an entire month with my show ‘It’s Better to Lie Than to Tell the Truth and End up Alone in a Ditch Crying.’

I am up here with To The Moon, a theatre production company, and staying in a lovely house with some lovely female solo performers (and like 2 boys, but they don’t smell). (More info on To The Moon and the awesome female solo shows they have brought up here ) (too many brackets Ellen, this is upsetting for people who understand grammar). Continue reading “Tales From the Fringe: It Starts”

Comedy, Writing

15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die

Why not visit London, the capital of the UK, and show your butt the best places in the world for your butt to get stuck in.

The faces of all the Waxworks at Madam Tussauds

Her butt has nothing on your butt

With so many famous celebrities on display, you would be absolutely insane to miss out on the opportunity to stick your butt in the face of Harry from One Direction, compare butts with Kim Kardashian or do a stinky old fart in David Cameron’s face.

On a Window in The London Eye

So many people will see your butt

Stick your butt up against the glass of this giant Ferris Wheel and treat your butt to the best view of London.

In This Cocktail

Flowers for your butt

The Punch Room at The London Edition does cocktails that are big enough to put your butt in, and are solely made for butt squatting. So squat over that bar, and nestle your butt into this lovely ornate bowl.

In this Burger at Burger & Beyond

Please insert your butt here

Stick your buns between these buns.

In The National Gallery

Those men look impressed sure, but they ain’t seen your butt yet

There are so many butts on display at this art gallery, that your butt will thank you when you stick it in the air and wiggle it around in the nude section, and then everyone will think your butt is a famous butt as well.

Up Against the Shark tank at The London Aquarium

Sharks don’t have butts

Show those shark wankers who’s boss by sticking your butt right in their pointy little faces. Your butt will love the thrill of nearly being eaten.

In a Chair Watching Hamilton

They are all applauding your butt

Apparently it’s super good, and you’re butt might not be able to see but it can listen to all the rapping. Your butt loves rapping.

In a Toilet at Harrods

A perfect home for your butt

Save up your daily poop until you visit the posh loo at Harrods. Brown’s hand lotion jostles for space next to Lord Fauntleroy’s butt soap and your butt will thank you when it lets a big smelly poop out over the porcelain bowl of abject wealth and expendable income.

In the Thames

City cruise? Butt cruise more like

In the 1997 documentary Spiceworld, the Spice Girls fell into the River Thames, so why not get on a boat tour and dunk your little butt over the side, and let the waves of girl power gently lap over it.

In a Guard’s Face at Buckingham Palace

He’s waiting for your butt

These crazy guys aren’t meant to move for anything, so imagine the joy that can come from waggling your butt in their face!

In a Lift Going up to the Top of The Gherkin

This wouldnt fit up your butt

Give your butt the best view of London, and London the best view of your butt by getting your butt out in this giant butt plug.

In a Bowl of Cereal at Cereal Killers

They want your butt on their frosted flakes

All this sightseeing is going to be hard on your butt, so let it relax for a while in a cool bowl of milky Lucky Charms.

In a Cats face at Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium

Show him who’s boss

Cat’s have weird butts, and they’re always showing them off because they think their butt is better than your butt. Show them who is the butt boss by sticking your butt in their face in this Cat’s Butt Cafe.

On a Comfy Chair at Shoreditch House

Leather feels good on your butt

A Member’s (butt)bar in trendy Shoreditch, where entry is guaranteed if you have a fabulous butt. You’re sexy butt can go and mingle with other famous butts, or you can make your butt famous by showing your butt off for all to see.

Continue reading “15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die”

Comedy, Writing

Sweet Valley High Fan-Fiction

For my fan fiction comedy night Dear Harry/Spock I read out some classic Sweet Valley High fan fic, which I would like to share with you. Sweet Valley high was a popular young adult book series, which began in 1983 and spawned over 152 books, all of which I owned. It was set in California and focused on the adventures of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, blonde identical twins with perfect bodies, but very different personalities. Elizabeth was the smart one, and Jessica was the stupid one. I wrote this fan fiction after they bought out ‘Sweet Valley Confidential’ in 2011, which followed the characters as adults, and I hated it so much that I realised I could do a much better job of updating the series. Continue reading “Sweet Valley High Fan-Fiction”

Short Stories, Writing

What if our lives were in three act structures?

What if our lives were in three acts, like the movies?

Act One:
We would have to have an inciting incident every time we fell into a funk. We would have to develop some kind of character flaw, which was all about avoidance, backing out of the bedroom, the boardroom and the bakery when anyone pressed us too hard. We would have to start out detached, unengaged, living but not really representing what has been etched onto our past. All because of that lost love, that missed sporting chance, our parent’s expectations, and the sibling who was snatched away from us too soon – please don’t use that chipped mug it belonged to him. Please don’t use that toothbrush, it belonged to her. Please don’t mention Phil Collins – that was their favourite band. Or there was a kind of violence in our childhood, something that makes us flinch now, makes us shut the door in the face of anyone we trust. Continue reading “What if our lives were in three act structures?”

Comedy, Writing

The Perfect Milk Substitute

I have been trying to find a milk substitute for the last few weeks. Stuff which isn’t water or orange juice (doesn’t go well with porridge) so am trying out all the possible things you can have and rating them out of 10.

Everyone tells me how bad milk is for me, how we are the only animals that still drink it after the age of 3 and how cows have 8 stomachs and we have one and your drinking stuff that has gone through eight stomachs EWWWW and you get enough calcium from cheese and spinach and by looking at the moon anyway, so I thought I would try and cut it out. HOWEVER I have to have a form of white liquid in my (get your mind out of the gutter*) beverages as I can’t do black coffee, or tea, or hot chocolate made of water, or porridge moistened by only my tears. What am I? A peasant? Continue reading “The Perfect Milk Substitute”

Comedy, Writing

Writers guide to Bristol: Coffee Shops

Writing is hard guys. Sometimes you need outside sources to spark your imagination fire. Gazing at that wall at home and masturbating is fine for a while, but sometimes you need boundaries to stop you. That’s why I go to coffee shops. Not only do they serve delicious caffeinated beverages but they also frown on public masturbation.

Bristol has many wonderous/pretentious cafes on offer, and here is my guide to the best that this former pirate theme park has to offer. These are all based on my own experiences and opinions, but are universally correct so if I have missed your favorite coffee shop, that’s because it’s shit and you are wrong. Continue reading “Writers guide to Bristol: Coffee Shops”

Comedy, Writing

Kate Hudson’s Healthy Eating Plan Can Kiss My Butt

Hollywood Starlets Kate Hudson’s recently let Women’s Health in on her EXCLUSIVE week long eating plan. You can read it by clicking on the link below.

http://www.womenshealthmag.co.uk/weight-loss/healthy-eating/4589/exclusive-what-kate-hudson-eats-in-a-week/

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It really inspired me.

I found it to be a highly achievable and incredibly practical EXCLUSIVE diet plan (however Women’s Health got it, I will never know) and I think the most important thing a woman, super famous or not, can offer in today’s society is insight into what she eats.

Personally I cannot wait to see the actor Mark Ruffolo’s diet plan.

With this plan Kate offers us (the commoners) practical and affordable meal plans which we can all achieve if we put our minds to it. And if you can’t well, you really need to reassess your life. I don’t care if you work for a charity or are super nice to old people. You are letting the side down.

Continue reading “Kate Hudson’s Healthy Eating Plan Can Kiss My Butt”

Comedy, Writing

HOLLYWOODIZE THAT SHIT

We all love movies, right? But how do the movies writers come up with  all those ingenious original plot lines?  I am going to show you how (you’re welcome) by coming up with some hot movie premises simply by using the power of observation.

I take a mundane event in my fabulous life, and I hollywoodize that shit.

Mundane event #1

Bus driver stops bus mid-journey, and jumps off to do his shopping (turns out he really needed some polos).

HOLLYWOODIZE THAT SHIT.

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Bus driver jumps off bus to run away from THE BOMB he has hidden on the bus. Luckily one of the passengers is ex – CIA bomb expert Rock McHarddon who, despite his drink problem and recent bitter divorce, manages to diffuse the bomb with the assistance of sexy passenger, Leslie McFlufftits (who is probably a school girl or something). Continue reading “HOLLYWOODIZE THAT SHIT”

Comedy, Writing

How to Pitch a Movie to Hollywood!

My name is Sally Studio, renowned Hollywood scriptwriter, and I here to teach you how to pitch a movie to the big boys – the producers, directors, and keepers of those pearly celluloid movie gates. Firstly you need to have written a movie. That’s very important. Secondly it should either have explosions, a quippy dinosaur, or an inoffensively beautiful yet passive teenage girl in it. Also a finale with real balls. My last film “Lovebomb” had a finale that doubled up as both a romantic chase sequence, where the hero had to stop the girl getting on the plane and leaving him forever, and an action chase sequence, where the hero had to stop the girl getting on the plane and leaving him forever because she was also a bomb. Continue reading “How to Pitch a Movie to Hollywood!”