Comedy, Short Stories, Writing

Pitch for a film where the female protagonist decides to live each day as if it is her last.

This film is yet untitled.

Our female protagonist is 28. She is pretty but not in an obvious way. She exists but not in an obvious way. She is smart but not in an obvious way. No one is threatened by this woman. She is Carey Mulligan before she went blonde. She is a good girl. She never crosses the street on a red, never lies about her purchases to a self-service checkout machine, and has never pushed in front of anyone in a queue. Her mother says she is her best friend.

She gets set up on a date with her work colleagues cousin. Their weird cousin. He is Steve Buschemi. On the date, he says how about more wine, how about more fun, how about more small talk and she says yes. She hardly ever says no. She doesn’t want to sleep with him, but she is drunker than she would like and the last thing she wants to cause is a fuss. The next day she tells her mother about the date and she says, ‘we all have to do things we don’t want to sometimes.’ Her mother is Lesley Manville.

She lends people money, she helps people move, she stays late at work. She has to watch a TV series with her friend which she hates, eating snacks she hates. She builds up hate. She collects it all in her stomach. She punches holes in paper to relax. She has reams and reams of swiss cheese paper.

Sometimes she wishes she was a sociopath. Often in fact.

Every morning she puts on a bejeweled suede waistcoat and walks out the door with her head held high, but every morning she comes back in, takes it off and puts on her soft pink Marks & Spencers cardigan instead.

She is in love with her friend but she can’t tell him, instead she listens to him talk about other women. He is David Tennant. And she is like a jumper to him, warm, comfy, and completely genderless. Sometimes he lends her to other men, says they should try on his favourite jumper because it is so nice. But she wants to be more than a jumper. She wants to be a bejeweled suede waistcoat.

Then one day there is in an exciting incident. Something to finally make her break out of her cage of people pleasing. Maybe she watches an inspiring TED talk, stumbles upon a self-help guru, or talks someone down off a bridge. Something happens to make her realise that she needs to take more risks, be more selfish. She makes a vow. She will live each day as if it is her last, by killing herself in one month.

She does many things.

She goes to a party, a sexy party.

She tries S & M

She eats whatever she wants for breakfast. Like dinner.

She sees a sign for a crazy thing and thinks. Yes, I will do that.

She wants to tell David Tennant that she is more than a jumper, she is Carey Mulligan goddamit. She wants to tell him how she feels, but she can’t. Not yet.

She gets on the tube and doesn’t get off. She ends up in zone 6. She has an adventure there.

She tells off her boss. Her friend. Steve Buschemi. She tells him his dick is small and weird.

She finds a guy at school she always had a crush on. And she sleeps with him. Afterwards, he tells her he is married.

She is so ready to tell David Tennant, but then David Tennant gets a girlfriend. She is confident and smart and pretty but in a really obvious way. She is Jennifer Lawrence.

She tells off her mother. Her sister. Her brother.

She hurts people, with what she says. She cannot stop. And soon she has no job, and she is drunk a lot. She eats a lot of dinners for breakfast and she watches all the Fast and Furious Films.

David is confused by this change in his friend.

Why are you being like this? he says

Maybe this is who I have always been. She says

But you’re being horrible* he says

I’m sorry that I am not around to just listen to you talk about all the women who have hurt you. Like some obedient puppy. I love you. Goodbye. she says

David and Carey part. But then he finds her list. Everything she plans to do before she kills herself. He confronts her.

Do not complete this list. Do not kill yourself. he says

Don’t call it a bucket list – I am actively choosing to do this, not because of fear but because I want to. Do not tell me what to do. I am fed up with doing what other people expect of me. she says

She slaps him. Like in a French film.

She goes to a bridge. Her month is up. Is she happier for living each day as if it is her last? Yes. She has learned how to stand up for herself. She has realised that people are better off being selfish and doing what they want because it gets you further in life. This is really like a French film. Being mean is better because at least you build up such a barrier against your own mind, that you can lie to yourself about how being selfish you have been. You won’t feel guilty if you fill up the guilt cup enough that it explodes and there is no more guilt left to feel. The writer is aware that made no sense.

Anyway, David realises that Jennifer Lawrence, though perfect in every single way, isn’t Carey Mulligan, and he also works out how she is going to kill herself, and he rushes to the bridge. But he gets there just as she jumps, and before she does she offers him a strange little smile, and she thanks him.

She is dead. We show her body, and she is still smiling.

David is sad. He misses his favourite jumper.

She is buried in the waistcoat. It is what she would have wanted.

Alternative ending if this one doesn’t test well with audiences, specifically the American market.

In the alternative ending David gets to bridge before Carey jumps. He tells her she is everything he has always wanted in a woman. She is normal, and kind, and flawed and perhaps the most realistic portrayal of the feminine experience ever glimpsed on celluloid, and he understands why she had to shed the shackles of subservience. He probably doesn’t say that because it won’t be very cinematic. He probably says something like ‘I love you just the way you are,’ or ‘you had me at hello,’ or I love you, hello.’ Or ‘that’ll do pig.’

Carey steps off the bridge, and into David’s arms. They get in his waiting car and drive to Vegas, or if this is set in the UK, Blackpool and are married by an Elvis impersonator. Carey dyes her hair blonde and throws away the waistcoat.

The End.

Comedy, Writing

Tales From the Edinburgh Fringe: It Continues

It’s raining here. Always raining. Except when it’s not, and there are two minutes of sunshine before it inevitably rains again (soooo predictable Edinburgh). You spend a lot of time throwing soggy flyers at people. Or speaking to your mum who always asks, ‘is it raining there? It’s not in Bristol.’

I spoke to some Icelandic men yesterday who told me that they have an app in Iceland which works out if you are related to someone, just in case you want to date them. Continue reading “Tales From the Edinburgh Fringe: It Continues”

Comedy, Writing

Tales From the Fringe: It Starts

So after spending two weeks at The Edinburgh Fringe in 2015, and nearly losing my mind, I am back here again for an entire month with my show ‘It’s Better to Lie Than to Tell the Truth and End up Alone in a Ditch Crying.’

I am up here with To The Moon, a theatre production company, and staying in a lovely house with some lovely female solo performers (and like 2 boys, but they don’t smell). (More info on To The Moon and the awesome female solo shows they have brought up here ) (too many brackets Ellen, this is upsetting for people who understand grammar). Continue reading “Tales From the Fringe: It Starts”

Comedy, Writing

15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die

Why not visit London, the capital of the UK, and show your butt the best places in the world for your butt to get stuck in.

The faces of all the Waxworks at Madam Tussauds

Her butt has nothing on your butt

With so many famous celebrities on display, you would be absolutely insane to miss out on the opportunity to stick your butt in the face of Harry from One Direction, compare butts with Kim Kardashian or do a stinky old fart in David Cameron’s face.

On a Window in The London Eye

So many people will see your butt

Stick your butt up against the glass of this giant Ferris Wheel and treat your butt to the best view of London.

In This Cocktail

Flowers for your butt

The Punch Room at The London Edition does cocktails that are big enough to put your butt in, and are solely made for butt squatting. So squat over that bar, and nestle your butt into this lovely ornate bowl.

In this Burger at Burger & Beyond

Please insert your butt here

Stick your buns between these buns.

In The National Gallery

Those men look impressed sure, but they ain’t seen your butt yet

There are so many butts on display at this art gallery, that your butt will thank you when you stick it in the air and wiggle it around in the nude section, and then everyone will think your butt is a famous butt as well.

Up Against the Shark tank at The London Aquarium

Sharks don’t have butts

Show those shark wankers who’s boss by sticking your butt right in their pointy little faces. Your butt will love the thrill of nearly being eaten.

In a Chair Watching Hamilton

They are all applauding your butt

Apparently it’s super good, and you’re butt might not be able to see but it can listen to all the rapping. Your butt loves rapping.

In a Toilet at Harrods

A perfect home for your butt

Save up your daily poop until you visit the posh loo at Harrods. Brown’s hand lotion jostles for space next to Lord Fauntleroy’s butt soap and your butt will thank you when it lets a big smelly poop out over the porcelain bowl of abject wealth and expendable income.

In the Thames

City cruise? Butt cruise more like

In the 1997 documentary Spiceworld, the Spice Girls fell into the River Thames, so why not get on a boat tour and dunk your little butt over the side, and let the waves of girl power gently lap over it.

In a Guard’s Face at Buckingham Palace

He’s waiting for your butt

These crazy guys aren’t meant to move for anything, so imagine the joy that can come from waggling your butt in their face!

In a Lift Going up to the Top of The Gherkin

This wouldnt fit up your butt

Give your butt the best view of London, and London the best view of your butt by getting your butt out in this giant butt plug.

In a Bowl of Cereal at Cereal Killers

They want your butt on their frosted flakes

All this sightseeing is going to be hard on your butt, so let it relax for a while in a cool bowl of milky Lucky Charms.

In a Cats face at Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium

Show him who’s boss

Cat’s have weird butts, and they’re always showing them off because they think their butt is better than your butt. Show them who is the butt boss by sticking your butt in their face in this Cat’s Butt Cafe.

On a Comfy Chair at Shoreditch House

Leather feels good on your butt

A Member’s (butt)bar in trendy Shoreditch, where entry is guaranteed if you have a fabulous butt. You’re sexy butt can go and mingle with other famous butts, or you can make your butt famous by showing your butt off for all to see.

Continue reading “15 Places in London You Must Stick Your Butt in Before you Die”

Comedy, Writing

Sweet Valley High Fan-Fiction

For my fan fiction comedy night Dear Harry/Spock I read out some classic Sweet Valley High fan fic, which I would like to share with you. Sweet Valley high was a popular young adult book series, which began in 1983 and spawned over 152 books, all of which I owned. It was set in California and focused on the adventures of Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, blonde identical twins with perfect bodies, but very different personalities. Elizabeth was the smart one, and Jessica was the stupid one. I wrote this fan fiction after they bought out ‘Sweet Valley Confidential’ in 2011, which followed the characters as adults, and I hated it so much that I realised I could do a much better job of updating the series. Continue reading “Sweet Valley High Fan-Fiction”

Comedy, Writing

The Perfect Milk Substitute

I have been trying to find a milk substitute for the last few weeks. Stuff which isn’t water or orange juice (doesn’t go well with porridge) so am trying out all the possible things you can have and rating them out of 10.

Everyone tells me how bad milk is for me, how we are the only animals that still drink it after the age of 3 and how cows have 8 stomachs and we have one and your drinking stuff that has gone through eight stomachs EWWWW and you get enough calcium from cheese and spinach and by looking at the moon anyway, so I thought I would try and cut it out. HOWEVER I have to have a form of white liquid in my (get your mind out of the gutter*) beverages as I can’t do black coffee, or tea, or hot chocolate made of water, or porridge moistened by only my tears. What am I? A peasant? Continue reading “The Perfect Milk Substitute”

Comedy, Writing

Writers guide to Bristol: Coffee Shops

Writing is hard guys. Sometimes you need outside sources to spark your imagination fire. Gazing at that wall at home and masturbating is fine for a while, but sometimes you need boundaries to stop you. That’s why I go to coffee shops. Not only do they serve delicious caffeinated beverages but they also frown on public masturbation.

Bristol has many wonderous/pretentious cafes on offer, and here is my guide to the best that this former pirate theme park has to offer. These are all based on my own experiences and opinions, but are universally correct so if I have missed your favorite coffee shop, that’s because it’s shit and you are wrong. Continue reading “Writers guide to Bristol: Coffee Shops”

Comedy, Writing

Kate Hudson’s Healthy Eating Plan Can Kiss My Butt

Hollywood Starlets Kate Hudson’s recently let Women’s Health in on her EXCLUSIVE week long eating plan. You can read it by clicking on the link below.


It really inspired me.

I found it to be a highly achievable and incredibly practical EXCLUSIVE diet plan (however Women’s Health got it, I will never know) and I think the most important thing a woman, super famous or not, can offer in today’s society is insight into what she eats.

Personally I cannot wait to see the actor Mark Ruffolo’s diet plan.

With this plan Kate offers us (the commoners) practical and affordable meal plans which we can all achieve if we put our minds to it. And if you can’t well, you really need to reassess your life. I don’t care if you work for a charity or are super nice to old people. You are letting the side down.

Continue reading “Kate Hudson’s Healthy Eating Plan Can Kiss My Butt”

Comedy, Writing


We all love movies, right? But how do the movies writers come up with  all those ingenious original plot lines?  I am going to show you how (you’re welcome) by coming up with some hot movie premises simply by using the power of observation.

I take a mundane event in my fabulous life, and I hollywoodize that shit.

Mundane event #1

Bus driver stops bus mid-journey, and jumps off to do his shopping (turns out he really needed some polos).



Bus driver jumps off bus to run away from THE BOMB he has hidden on the bus. Luckily one of the passengers is ex – CIA bomb expert Rock McHarddon who, despite his drink problem and recent bitter divorce, manages to diffuse the bomb with the assistance of sexy passenger, Leslie McFlufftits (who is probably a school girl or something). Continue reading “HOLLYWOODIZE THAT SHIT”