What to do on a online date

A comprehensive guide to what to do on an online date. You are welcome. 

Arrive 5 minutes early, and choose a specific vantage point so you can see them but they can’t see you.

Have a small heart attack every time someone comes through the door, then breathe a sigh of relief when you realise the man with the socks and sandals combo is not your date.

Or be super disappointed if that is what you are into.

When they arrive either make a ‘oh dear’ face or fan your vagina because boy is it hot in here.

When you first meet awkwardly go in for a hug when they go in for a handshake, or try and shake their hand whilst they go in for the hug, or just scream ‘no touching!’ at them.

Do mention the weather, journey, décor.

Don’t mention your ex, therapist, or how much you hate camping. Men love camping.

Don’t go on a Seinfield-esque rant about dating apps e.g ‘what is the deal with all the photos of men holding babies with a caption underneath that says, not my baby – my niece/nephew. Do they think women are really into Uncles?’

Do eat enough so they don’t think you are one of those women who’s always on a diet, even though you are one of those women who is always on a diet.

Don’t talk politics or religion unless you are sure your viewpoints align.

Don’t use the word lol, hashtag or peng.

But do laugh if they using any of those words, as they are surely being clever and ironic

Do take advantage of the recent fetishization of geek culture by talking about your large comic book collection, then make a weird nonsensical joke about how that’s not the only thing that’s large about you, and point at your vagina.

Stop drinking for a bit.

Ask questions and let them talk.

Ask them what their favourite show is, and why is it Gilmore Girls

Don’t ask how much they earn

Don’t reveal how little you earn

Don’t tell them how some of your sexual fantasies sometimes involve pretending to be asleep. If they ask tell them you like ‘normal stuff.’

Don’t mention your dad issues, unless they mention theirs first and then sing ‘cats in the cradle’ at them.

Do appear vulnerable yet tough by telling them you are allergic to bread and then punching bread

Do accept compliments, for example, if they tell you that you are brave for doing stand-up comedy, simply say, yes. Yes I am. I am probably the bravest person you know

Don’t do your stand-up routine at them

Don’t tell them you use to have a 3 minute bit about your trapped wind.

Don’t mention your trapped wind at all.

If they mention they are feminist, do give them the requisite medal and thank them for their hard work.

Do seem nuanced

Don’t seem bland

Do sell yourself

Don’t brag

Don’t let them pay

Don’t offer to pay

Don’t itemise the bill

Don’t kiss them because its awkward not to

Don’t go back to there’s unless its awkward not to

Don’t text unless they text

Don’t reply straight away

Don’t tweet about them

Don’t Facebook about them

Don’t cry