Comedy, Short Stories, Writing

Pitch for a film where the female protagonist decides to live each day as if it is her last.

This film is yet untitled.

Our female protagonist is 28. She is pretty but not in an obvious way. She exists but not in an obvious way. She is smart but not in an obvious way. No one is threatened by this woman. She is Carey Mulligan before she went blonde. She is a good girl. She never crosses the street on a red, never lies about her purchases to a self-service checkout machine, and has never pushed in front of anyone in a queue. Her mother says she is her best friend.

She gets set up on a date with her work colleagues cousin. Their weird cousin. He is Steve Buschemi. On the date, he says how about more wine, how about more fun, how about more small talk and she says yes. She hardly ever says no. She doesn’t want to sleep with him, but she is drunker than she would like and the last thing she wants to cause is a fuss. The next day she tells her mother about the date and she says, ‘we all have to do things we don’t want to sometimes.’ Her mother is Lesley Manville.

She lends people money, she helps people move, she stays late at work. She has to watch a TV series with her friend which she hates, eating snacks she hates. She builds up hate. She collects it all in her stomach. She punches holes in paper to relax. She has reams and reams of swiss cheese paper.

Sometimes she wishes she was a sociopath. Often in fact.

Every morning she puts on a bejeweled suede waistcoat and walks out the door with her head held high, but every morning she comes back in, takes it off and puts on her soft pink Marks & Spencers cardigan instead.

She is in love with her friend but she can’t tell him, instead she listens to him talk about other women. He is David Tennant. And she is like a jumper to him, warm, comfy, and completely genderless. Sometimes he lends her to other men, says they should try on his favourite jumper because it is so nice. But she wants to be more than a jumper. She wants to be a bejeweled suede waistcoat.

Then one day there is in an exciting incident. Something to finally make her break out of her cage of people pleasing. Maybe she watches an inspiring TED talk, stumbles upon a self-help guru, or talks someone down off a bridge. Something happens to make her realise that she needs to take more risks, be more selfish. She makes a vow. She will live each day as if it is her last, by killing herself in one month.

She does many things.

She goes to a party, a sexy party.

She tries S & M

She eats whatever she wants for breakfast. Like dinner.

She sees a sign for a crazy thing and thinks. Yes, I will do that.

She wants to tell David Tennant that she is more than a jumper, she is Carey Mulligan goddamit. She wants to tell him how she feels, but she can’t. Not yet.

She gets on the tube and doesn’t get off. She ends up in zone 6. She has an adventure there.

She tells off her boss. Her friend. Steve Buschemi. She tells him his dick is small and weird.

She finds a guy at school she always had a crush on. And she sleeps with him. Afterwards, he tells her he is married.

She is so ready to tell David Tennant, but then David Tennant gets a girlfriend. She is confident and smart and pretty but in a really obvious way. She is Jennifer Lawrence.

She tells off her mother. Her sister. Her brother.

She hurts people, with what she says. She cannot stop. And soon she has no job, and she is drunk a lot. She eats a lot of dinners for breakfast and she watches all the Fast and Furious Films.

David is confused by this change in his friend.

Why are you being like this? he says

Maybe this is who I have always been. She says

But you’re being horrible* he says

I’m sorry that I am not around to just listen to you talk about all the women who have hurt you. Like some obedient puppy. I love you. Goodbye. she says

David and Carey part. But then he finds her list. Everything she plans to do before she kills herself. He confronts her.

Do not complete this list. Do not kill yourself. he says

Don’t call it a bucket list – I am actively choosing to do this, not because of fear but because I want to. Do not tell me what to do. I am fed up with doing what other people expect of me. she says

She slaps him. Like in a French film.

She goes to a bridge. Her month is up. Is she happier for living each day as if it is her last? Yes. She has learned how to stand up for herself. She has realised that people are better off being selfish and doing what they want because it gets you further in life. This is really like a French film. Being mean is better because at least you build up such a barrier against your own mind, that you can lie to yourself about how being selfish you have been. You won’t feel guilty if you fill up the guilt cup enough that it explodes and there is no more guilt left to feel. The writer is aware that made no sense.

Anyway, David realises that Jennifer Lawrence, though perfect in every single way, isn’t Carey Mulligan, and he also works out how she is going to kill herself, and he rushes to the bridge. But he gets there just as she jumps, and before she does she offers him a strange little smile, and she thanks him.

She is dead. We show her body, and she is still smiling.

David is sad. He misses his favourite jumper.

She is buried in the waistcoat. It is what she would have wanted.

Alternative ending if this one doesn’t test well with audiences, specifically the American market.

In the alternative ending David gets to bridge before Carey jumps. He tells her she is everything he has always wanted in a woman. She is normal, and kind, and flawed and perhaps the most realistic portrayal of the feminine experience ever glimpsed on celluloid, and he understands why she had to shed the shackles of subservience. He probably doesn’t say that because it won’t be very cinematic. He probably says something like ‘I love you just the way you are,’ or ‘you had me at hello,’ or I love you, hello.’ Or ‘that’ll do pig.’

Carey steps off the bridge, and into David’s arms. They get in his waiting car and drive to Vegas, or if this is set in the UK, Blackpool and are married by an Elvis impersonator. Carey dyes her hair blonde and throws away the waistcoat.

The End.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s