dating, Writing


So apparently Science has invented a ‘relationship checklist’ for men to determine whether they should stick with us long term or not. Science as a whole, pretty nifty (poison = bad for you! Space = big!) but I feel it might be being used for nefarious reasons in this article, e.g to make women feel rubs about themselves, to hold themselves up to some impossible standard, and to further damage women’s already fragile relationship with Science, (I still haven’t forgiven Past Science for recommending we have our wombs removed to make us feel less cranky.)

Also where is the checklist for men, to determine if they are worth our time? I mean if there was, it would probably just have one thing on it.

Does he remind you of your dad? Yes*/No

(Feel free to print out this checklist, laminate it and bring it to your next date.)

Also, if a man has to use a checklist to work out whether he like likes you then you are dating a very weird and admin focused man.

But I thought I would have a look at these 14 qualities, just to see if I ticked all those precious boxes and was, therefore, the ultimate women.

1.She is smarter than you: While looking for a partner, make sure she is smart or better still, smarter than you. Lawrence Whalley, professor emeritus of the University of Aberdeen has been researching dementia for a long time and he found that a smart woman can protect you from dementia later in life. A smart partner never stops challenging you intellectually, which helps you keep your mental faculties keen forever.

Hey Lawrence, I like to think of myself as pretty smart (A* in RE GCSE mate,) but I don’t tend to intellectually challenge my partner constantly, e.g make him answer a series of general trivia questions before he gets to touch my tutti fruttis, or say things like, ‘hey you know what would be really fun? Maths!’ Does that make me unworthy of boyfriend?

I just don’t think my best relationship would involve shaking my lover awake in the middle of the night screaming ‘WHEN DID THE RUSSIAN REVOLUTION START! WHAT’S LATIN FOR PATIO! WHO INVENTED KEY CHANGES!’  And I know some people stay together due to financial reasons, but dating someone just so you can ward off senile dementia seems a little bit, erm, unsexy…

Also, who’s going to ward off my dementia? Eh? Did we learn nothing from The Notebook? Because that film is what happens when smart women date absolute tools. They get senile dementia.

(Also when Ryan Gosling gets old he looks nothing like Ryan Gosling when he’s young. Seriously, what happened to his jawline/chin? Does age make it fold in on itself, like an unrisen cake? I have never gone a day without thinking about this).

2. She is honest: Studies show that men want to have an honest partner by their side when they look for a long-term committed relationship. If you have found a woman like that, never let her go again.

No one is completely honest all the time because that would be awful. The constantly honest woman is like ‘my ex was amazing in bed, thanks for asking!’

I am mostly dishonest. I once broke my exes favorite mug, and then glued the handle back on using Pritt stick, and when it broke again I let him believe it was his fault. And that’s why I am alone.

3. She has a positive outlook: Negative people are toxic and bad for our health in the long run. A partner with a positive outlook could make life a whole lot better. According to a research conducted by psychologist Elaine Hatfield, internalized negativity can lead to increased heart rate, it impedes our digestion and lowers our concentration.

Why is it my responsibility to be positive all the time? In a good relationship, you take it in turns. One of you is like ‘oh GAWD everything is on fire,’ and the other is like ‘nah. It’s only mostly on fire.’ And then you swap. But sure, I agree that dating a person who is negative is pretty tough, but constantly positive woman disappears into toilet cubicles and screams into the void of her handbag, whilst developing senile dementia.

4.She compromises: It is perfectly okay for partners to disagree, but a relationship can only work if both partners are willing to compromise. Psychologists of the UCLA have accompanied 172 married couples for 11 years and came to a simple conclusion: “It’s easy to be committed to your relationship when it’s going well,” said senior study author Thomas Bradbury. “As a relationship changes, however, shouldn’t you say at some point something like, ‘I’m committed to this relationship, but it’s not going very well — I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward.”

Relationships are like sharks. If they stop moving they die. Also, they eat Robert Shaw.

And how about ‘You both compromise,’ as a title? Why am I compromising? Why am I allowing him to have peanut butter in the house, despite it being the devil’s spread? And I don’t care if the shower curtain being pulled across the bath stops it going moldy, that’s where all the fucking murders live! We might as well just go and live in a surprisingly cheap house in fucking Maine with our sensitive loner child and our yappy dog.

5.She laughs at your jokes: In 2006 a study by psychologists of Westfield State University suggested that having a partner who thinks they are funny is more important for men than for women.

Women! Stroke insecure men’s ego’s and laugh at their jokes. In fact, laugh at whatever they say because you don’t want to risk missing one of their jokes! ‘Hey, I’m worried about developing senile dementia…’ ‘HA, LET ME STOP YOU THERE, THAT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE.’

Why is his ego more important than my ego? I am a stand-up comedian, and I am attempting to make a career out of that sweet sweet delicious laughter honey because I need the validation more than he does. Like, if a guy saw my set and was like ‘I don’t get it.’ I would probably curl up into a ball at his feet and start licking my own fanny in an attempt to self-comfort. And that would be weird for everyone.

I work hard at being bloody hilarious, and I expect my partner to do the same. I am not laughing at a man to make him feel better. I am helping him punch it up. I am workshopping that joke. If he asks the waiter for a diet coke, and a ‘fat coke,’ I am stony-faced looking at him in silence, and then slowly shaking my head until he curls up in a ball at my feet and starts licking my fanny in an attempt to self-comfort (I have a very comforting fanny.) Or leaves me. Which he wouldn’t do, because why would he risk developing senile dementia.

6. She has an open heart: A study by the University of Westminster suggests that people who are open hearted and share personal information are seen as especially attractive. The authors of the study even say that this quality is so important that people will judge the physical appearance of open hearted people as more handsome or beautiful.

I share personal information all the time, both privately and on stage – and I will tell you what, men aren’t like ‘you looked well fit up there when you talked about that time you wet yourself in a ballet class and slipped over your own wee, let me kiss you with tongues.’

She supports your goals and pursues her own: Christine C. Whelan in her book ‘Why smart men marry smart women’, thoroughly debunks this myth and proves with statistics that successful, well educated and high earning women do not marry less often than others. Furthermore, a weak person often tends to forget his or her own goals. These people don’t just prioritise the goals of their partners, they tend to co-opt them completely. This has been shown by a study of the University of British Columbia. You need a healthy combination of personal goals and goals you pursue together.

This is fair. I  find passionate men kind of cool, and am happy to support them. Unless their passion is camping, and their goal is to go camping. I will not support that.

I once dated a guy who liked BMX biking, and I had no interest in BMX biking, but because he was 6.5 and looked really funny on a very small BMX bike our relationship lasted 6 months longer than it should have. Because of the hilarious visual image. And that’s why I’m alone.

She has a good relationship with her parents: Researchers of the University of Alberta questioned 2970 people of all ages and saw a clear correlation between the relationship to the parents in their teen years and their love life later on.

You fucking think the University of Alberta? You think a bad relationship with your parents impacts your relationships as an adult? JESUS, I MIGHT AS WELL JUST FIRE MY THERAPIST BECAUSE YOU SOLVED EVERYTHING. Who paid for this survey? Captain Obvious, with his unlimited checkbook to invest in stupid fucking science?

Alright Uni of Alberta, let me just go invent a time machine, so my dad is not a Tory Major who left my mum for a Morris Dancer, but instead I give birth to myself, creating a time paradox which will eventually kill us all – but for a brief 5 minutes I will have a normal relationship with a normal man, without accidentally calling him papa in bed.

And (all together now) that’s why I am alone.

She is kind: Science says that the keys to a long and happy relationship are kindness and generosity. Psychologist John Gottmann of the University of Washington started his research on married couples over four decades ago. He identified two kinds of couples: Masters*** and Disasters. The disasters, you guessed it, break it off in the first six years of the relationship. But the masters stay together for a long time and always have this one thing in common: “They are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully,” he said in an interview with The Atlantic.

***Master-baters more like, amirite, amirite, amirite.

‘Scanning’ makes it sound like women are weird robots – scanning environment – mothers birthday dinner – boyfriend does not have dick out – thank him for not having dick out.

She remains calm in fights and calms you down too: Fights are an inevitability of all relationships. Never disagreeing is not a sign of a stable relationship. But the important thing is how you deal with disagreements and how you make up again after. Researchers of the University of California Berkeley and Northwest University have accompanied 80 couples for 13 years and they found out that a relationship will last the longest if the woman can calm herself during a fight and transfer those emotions to the man. The effect is not the same if the man is the one to calm down first.

So every time we have a fight, I’m meant to immediately put on some comfy yoa pants, light some candles and wack on the Enya? What if he has done something really annoying like poo’ed by the toilet instead of in it? Also, I don’t know if you have been in a fight Researchers of California Berkeley, but when you are angry, someone saying ‘calm down’ does not help. It makes you want to hulk smash stuff. And, why the heck is it my job to remain calm in a fight, AND calm down the man? This is making me so angry! Might have to go find a man to calm down in front of.

She does foolish things with you: A long term study of the University of Michigan with 4864 married individuals showed that the happiest couples where those who drank alcohol together or did leisure activities together.

Wanna get foolish babe? Let’s get drunk AND go yachting!

TBH I have often been at my most bored in a relationship when I suggested adding wine to all leisure activities, and by leisure activities I mean binge-watching a show probably meant for teenagers.

She has a life of her own: Having your own space and privacy is even more important for your relationship than a good sex life. This has been shown by a long term study of the University of Michigan. “When individuals have their own friends, their own set of interests, when they are able to define themselves not by their spouse or relationship, that makes them happier and less bored,” Terry Orbuch, author of the study, said in an interview with The Wall Street Journal.

I have worked hard on having my own life, just so when I am at dinner parties and people say ‘what do you do?’ I don’t reply ‘my boyfriend.’

She accepts your flaws: Too many relationships only seem to consist of one partner criticizing the other. If you have found a woman who can just accept you, you should consider yourself lucky.

What if your flaw is like, murder? Or thinking Dexter got better after season 5? Also sometimes you need to criticise someone you date, because sometimes they have bad opinions about stuff, or think it’s okay to make fun of your preference for mainly mushy food (ideal meal plan: Breakfast – porridge. Lunch – porridge. Dinner – mushy peas. And then porridge.)


You can have that Quaker Oats.

She does not bear grudges: If you found a woman who can forgive others, you will have her by your side for a long time. A study by researchers of the Luther College, the Duke University, and the Harvard Divinity School showed that people who can unconditionally forgive others live longer lives.

I am not surprised the Harvard Divinity School was big on the unconditional forgiveness, I believe their mascot was a big fan.

And bear grudges are the best, ‘did you see what our neighbour, the bear, did to me? He cut me up in traffic. I am not inviting him to the cheese and wine mixer.’

(This is an example of how funny I am. Please form an orderly queue men who are not threatened by my lols)

So GUYS, the lesson science is teaching us here is to be a mute genius constantly happy alcoholic who overshares about her passion for how funny you are. Sounds a bit like a Mike Leigh film.

Fuck you science.



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