Like most other single women I often find myself on the tube at rush hour cozying up to strangers just so I can remember what intimacy feels like, so imagine my joy when I stumbled upon an insightful article by Wonderland Magazine called:
Initially, I was worried this article just was going to say ‘Because you have hairy toes Ellen,’ 5 times in a row, but it turned out to be a goldmine of advice. It felt like someone (I like to imagine an intern at Wonderland called Esme Lilliath Gigglewater) was finally being real with me.
Luckily, the article starts out gently, lulling you into a false sense of security with some excellent compliments.
Ok, so you’re attractive, smart and funny – so why are you still single?
Esme, you’re making me blush! But it’s a fair statement. I am all those things. I know I am attractive because I was once told by a drunk man that I looked like Alanis Morisette (but only from behind), I know I am smart because I have an IQ of one above average and I know I am funny because I made a woman at work laugh today when I referred to my fanny as cake. Why am I still single?
This may surprise you, but the reason why you’re still single has nothing to do with your intelligence or appearance. Nor your lame dad jokes or your dress sense.
My lame dad jokes are the best though Esme!? Hey, why did my dad cross the road? To get away from me because he didn’t love me anymore! That always kills on stage.
In fact, it’s down to five simple things, which luckily you can change very quickly.
So what Esme has done here is serve us a classic shit sandwich. The compliment is the bread, the insults about my dad jokes are the shit, and the reassurance that she can get me a fella is also the bread.
Reason Number One: You’re using the wrong dating app
I have to stop you there Esme. I am definitely not using the wrong dating app. I use OKCupid, and I meet a lot of amazing men on there who frequently tell me ‘Hi…’ and ‘Nice weekend?’ and ‘I want to cover you in peanut butter and lick it off, even if it means dying of my peanut allergies.’ (please see my previous article on these men).
Yeah Tinder is great but have you used Huggle?
No, Tinder is not great! (Apart from that one guy whose photos were just him shouting at bowls of noodles, but he never bloody matched with me.)
But tell me more about this ‘Huggle’ wizardly you speak of, even if it does sound like a brand of elite nappies for model babies (mabies).
Huggle is a little different to the likes of Tinder and Bumble, because it matches you with people who spend time in the places you go to most.
Like the disabled toilet at work? Tell me more…
Huggle not only helps you to discover people who share your interests and lifestyle, it also shows you how many mutual places you have with someone, which is great if you’re look for compatibility.
I am you’re look for compatibility, Esme! And what a great way to lightly stalk someone. If I can find out where noodle bowl shouting man hangs out (probably a wagamama’s), I can tell him how much I love taking my rage out on wheat-based products too, and we can hold hands as we scream at the discounted sandwiches in Boots.
I don’t want to hook up. I want to give birth to a clone of myself, and I’ll need your sperm to do it. Also money and a laboratory.
Maybe I could hang out with you this weekend Esme – you could talk about Huggle all you liked, and I would ignore your poor grasp of the English language if you ignored my low-level drinking problem and the fact I don’t understand how temperature works (just say it’s light cardigan or coat weather)
Thank you for reminding me of our earlier conversation about Huggle, my attention did wander for a second there, and you were right to bring it up again.
I normally bring mayonnaise to the table, because I don’t give a fuck what anyone says I think it goes with everything.
I once went on a date with a guy who sneezed in his soup and ate it, and he dumped me.
I hate to disagree with you Esme, but have you seen Chris Pine in Hell or High Water? That man can wear me like a flannel shirt any day! (I don’t know what that means).
I am trying Esme, I am. It’s not like I am deliberately seeking out men with personalities like Asda value quiches (beige guys, beige). I am trying to find super exciting men but I don’t know where they all live. I guess probably on Huggle, right?
WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE DIDN’T I.
It does sound very cliche, but also a little bit like you confused yourself whilst “writing” this article and might be “making it up” as you go along.
5. You value your independence
Just the other day I was thinking that. When I was sitting in my room on a Saturday night re-watching Gilmore Girls and heating up diet coke as an experiment in dying early, I was thinking ‘what an amazing social life.’
Should I be spelling abosolutely like that? Is that a Huggle thing? Find a man who likes spelling absolutely abosolutely and then you can be abosolutely be happy? Esme, I know they are paying you in pogs and eyebrow threading kits over at Wonderland, but I have been single for about 4 months and it’s tough out there. You just want to find someone who will take you out for a nice fish supper before some light over the clothes foreplay, and yet men seem to disappear on you like tears in the rain/farts in the wind. I don’t believe this stupid fucking app is going to fix that, especially in London where I have not been to one pub/bar more than once, and if I have been there once it was probably on a date, so all it will be showing me is how many men I could have been on a date with, whilst I was on another far less successful date.
Maybe Esme, just maybe, I will meet a man organically – our eyes will meet across the tube, and he will be like ‘do you like pina colada’s, and screaming at noodles in the rain,’ and then I can write an article called ‘5 reasons why Esme can go fuck herself*.’
(also none of these GIFS are mine, they are all from the article, I hate these GIFS).
*but seriously, I think we would get on – lets hang out.