So I went on my first OKCupid date last week and he was late. Not by much, but enough to send me down the spiral of ‘well, if he’s late for this, does this mean he’s late paying bills, late to the party, late to know the latest trends? Should I just scream ‘ALRIGHT LARRY LATENESS’ when he walks in, and knock my drink off the table, before running screaming into the night?’
So I am staring at every man who came in the door thinking, is that him? Is that him? Because people obviously select the best photos for their profiles (apart from one guy, who had photos of him screaming at plates at food) and some people don’t look like there photos. At all. I might not, I have a weird face. I like my face, but it’s not hugely photogenic (as an ex once pointed out), so I sabotage most of my photos by making ‘weird face,’ in order to save my esteem for when I look at it later, and think ‘what are you doing nose?’
Luckily he does show up, and huzzah he looks like his photo. And yay, it was a good date, which I managed to soldier through despite having a harrowing hangover due to drinking too much good wine the night before and not balancing it out with enough dinner. I was worried I would fall asleep at some point, or vomit on the table. Or vomit and then fall asleep, in my own vomit.
(Also dating someone is difficult if you have weird habits, like chewing a lot of Nicorette gum. And when drinking, I chew a lot more. I know it’s weird, but I’m weird, I have weird issues with habitual routines, and oral fixations, and I need therapy for this low-level addictions sure, but for the moment, I just chew away. Except on a date I have to pretend to be normal, so I tried to slip gum into my mouth without him noticing and chew every time he looked away. I’m sure I looked cool/like a cow)
So a good time was had, and we arranged to have dinner tomorrow, and then I was offered a comedy gig (as in I emailed somewhere and said PLEASE CAN I HAVE A GIG, and they said ‘sure.’) And I can’t turn down a gig as a I am a desperate new comedian in London who desperate for gigs (if you read this and want to give me a gig, please give me a gig.)
So I was like ‘erm, do you want to have dinner but also combine it with watching me do stand up.’ Because I love a multitask, and also I am busy busy busy so it’s tomorrow or like, in 3 weeks time. And he said yes. SO WELCOME TO A NEW LEVEL OF DATING where someone I don’t know very well, but who I want to impress is going to watch me do stand up, and I don’t know if this is naive on my part, or just super arrogant. Like if I smash it and everyone is like ELLEN! ELLEN! ELLEN! then it’s the best (I mean this has never ever happened) but if I am terrible then he can pity kiss me? Or halfway through the gig, I look up and he is at the door shaking his dead, and walking away.
Plus a lot of my set is about my ex, and my fear of intimacy (I want to try out a new bit about how a good date is worse than a bad date due to the inevitable development of feelings, yucky feelings). And you know, some people understand that stand up is basically a big old lie and exaggeration based on a lesser painful truth, but he might be like ‘oh no. This is just her reading from her diary.’
I hope it goes well. I don’t want to go back to messages like this: