How Does One ‘Date ‘ in London?

So I’ve moved to London aka The Big Smoke (my bogies have turned quite a dark colour since I moved here, should I be worried?) to try and make it in the city, much like Babe, the legendary pig, before me. I had always wanted to move to London, but in the same way I had always wanted to climb up a mountain in Nepal – if I talk about it enough whilst drunk, it will eventually happen, though through no effort on my part.

Then BAM I got broken up with and then WHAM here I am. Free, single and ready to eat mingles.

Although having previously been in a relationship for 4.5 years I am slightly unsure about how to date in my 30s.

So far my experiments with modern dating via OkCupid have had mixed results (please see evidence below)

But isn’t it nice how upfront creepy men are with their creepiness? Saves me a lot of time.

My objectives currently are: I want to have fun dating in London, like where they take me to cocktails bars and the theme is Tom Cruise and everyone is jumping on couches. Or to an underground warehouse where we can only communicate in semaphore. Or to a rooftop gazebo where I can’t afford anything and steal the toilet paper to take home.

I also don’t want to like anyone too much. I hate liking someone too much. Feelings are the worst. I don’t want to like anyone to the point of texting them and then putting my phone on airplane mode and throwing it across the bedroom and then 5 minutes later picking it up and being like ‘no wonder they didn’t reply, that’s not how you use an Oxford comma!’ I think right now my ideal relationship is where you meet and then 3 months later they get a job in Canada so there is a time limit in which you never actually learn the bad stuff about the other person, and you are just left with ‘I wonder?’

I blame Hollywood film romance for my idealism. Hollywood films where it’s just the build-up to the relationship, and they don’t really know each other, so it’s all sunshine and roses, and also one of them is married/is a ghost/must go to Africa to build houses so there is just the exciting period of romantic immersion rather than the realism of long-term relationships.

God damn you movies. I also blame Hollywood for convincing me that the only jobs available to women in life were either successful magazine writer for an aspirational women’s magazine, or ninja vigilante.

For men, it’s either architect (or ninja vigilante.)

What I have also learnt about dating in London (the whole 8 days I have been here) is most of it involves finding out where someone lives, before finding out if they like the same Wes Anderson film as you. Because if it more than an hour away then forget it.

I have my first OkCupid date tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t be the worst.

On another note I went to a talk at BAFTA on ‘Craft of Comedy Entertainment’ and I took half a scotch egg into the auditorium and it smelt bad.


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