Here is my scripted Gilmore Girls fan fiction from last month’s comedy fan fiction night Dear Harry/Spock: It should be noted I played all parts, apart from Rory.Coz yuck.
INT. LUKES DINER – DAY
Lorelai Gilmore, 48, brandishing an empty coffee cup, follows her permanently harassed and tired looking partner Luke Danes around the busy diner. Luke has stubble and a cool backwards hat. He looks a bit like a less creepy version of the popular recording genius Frederik Durst.
LORELAI
Luke, I need coffee, can I have a
coffee? Give me another coffee!
Where’s the coffee?
LUKE
Goddamit Lorelai, that’s your
sixth cup of coffee this morning,
I’m cutting you off -
LORELAI
What am I? James Franco’s arm in
127 hours? Come on Luke, I need
coffee like Clare Dane’s character
in Homeland needs a work
assessment review.
LUKE
Goddamit Lorelai, you owe me
$80,000 in unpaid coffee refills,
this diner is going under because
of your caffeine addiction.
You need help, not more coffee.
Rory Gilmore, 32, enters Luke’s diner. She looks like Bambi
and sounds like a mouse.
RORY
Hi mom!
LORELAI
The prodigal daughter returns! How
are things going in the crazy
world of freelance journalism? Are
you raving it up with Rupert
Murdoch, sharing anecdotes with
Anna Wintour, J K Lolling with J K
Rowling.
Rory sighs. And scratches her butt a little.
RORY
No. I haven’t had a job since my
last New Yorker article -
“MILLENNIALS: THE NEXT FOOD
SOURCE.” Apparently no one wants
to hire a writer who endorses
cannibalism.
LORELAI
I know what will cheer you up! How
about a bacon sandwich where the
bread is pop tarts and the bacon
is pop tarts and the pop tarts are
pop tarts!
LUKE
Goddamit Lorelai, you ate all my
pop tarts an hour ago!
LORELAI
Luke, where is my coffee!
LUKE
Goddamit Lorelai I’m having a
heart attack
Luke dies. And then shits himself.
RORY
Oh no!
LORELAI
Look like he’s as dead as Topher
Grace’s acting career after
Spiderman 3.
Luke revives briefly, and with his one last dying breath he says:
LUKE
No one...remembers...who...that...is
RORY
Mom, I came here to tell you
something. I have decided to
become a nun and am going to take
a vow of celibacy –
LORELAI
Is this because of The Young Pope,
because not all clergy men look
like Jude Law.
RORY
No, it’s because our love lives
have been so awful that it’s put
me off men for life.
LORELAI
Are you a lesbian now? Because in
the early 2000s I would have made
a joke about you wearing dungarees
and shaving off your hair in order
to look like the stereotyped idea
of a lesbian because that’s what
passed for funny in those days,
but now its 2017 I have realised
its just insensitive. Although
Luke does have a bag he carries
around, which I like to call a gay
bag.
This is a actual line from the show. Then in strolls Dean, a tall dependable beige wall of a man.
DEAN
Rory wait – before you swear off
men, there is something you should
know. I love you!
RORY
Dean? What are you doing here?
DEAN
Im here for the bean conference,
because I now own a business
selling beans. Dean’s beans! I was
your first boyfriend, before you
left me for that rebel without a
cause Jess
RORY
Sorry about that -
DEAN
Its okay because when he left you,
you decided you wanted to be with
me again, so I cheated on my wife
with you. And that’s how you lost
your virginity, because this show
hates sex –
RORY
Show?
DEAN
Yes, this show we call life. And then
we got back together, but you left me again
because I worked at a food mart and rode
the bus like a poor person. Wow. Saying
this out loud has made me realise that
you are the actual worse. I must go and
tend to my beans.
Dean gets on a nearby bus.
RORY
Wait Dean!
But then in walks Jess, smoking a cigarette, wearing a leather jacket and clutching Catcher in the Rye.
JESS
Forget about him, what about me –
Jess. The bad boy who loved to
read. I love you! And since I was
the only one who didn’t get to
bang you, you sort of owe me.
RORY
What are you doing here?
JESS
I’m running a poetry night, and
all my poems are about what a
rebel I am, and how I rebel.
RORY
What are you Felicity Jones in the
Rogue One Trailer, but not the
film, because re-shoots meant they
cut out that line?
Lorelai shakes her head at Rory’s convoluted pop culture reference, and cuts her out of her will.
JESS
Remember the good times we shared?
Like when I stole your beat poetry
books and wrote annotations in the
margins, and the time we discussed
the merits of Ayn Rand!
Wait. Saying this out loud has made
me realise that I am the actual worse.
(beat)
Also I didn’t care for La La Land.
Everyone gasps.
LORELAI
What a rebel!
Jess jumps on a passing motorbike, and leaves, flicking V’s at everyone as he goes.
Then in strolls Logan, a blonde sexpot wearing a fur coat and a diamond hat. He throws some money on Luke’s dead body.
LOGAN
My diner now!
RORY
Logan, what are you doing here?
LOGAN
Hey ace, heard you were going to
go all ave Maria on us. But before
you do - why don’t we give it
another shot? Remember the good
times we had? Like when we stole
that yacht together? Or when we
broke up for two days and I slept
with seven other women? Wait,
saying this old loud has made me
realise that I am totally the
best.
Enter Emily Gilmore, an eloquently dressed older woman.
LORELAI
Oh no, it’s my overbearing right wing mother.
EMILY
I just saw an ethic minority in
stars hollow and I thought, what
is this? An episode of Empire?
Anyway I set them on fire. Rory,
what is this I hear about you
becoming a nun?
RORY
I’m sorry Grandma, but my mind is set.
EMILY
I forbid it. I want you to marry
Logan, so you don’t end up like
your smelly mother.
Lorelai grabs her chest.
LORELAI
Oh my god, I haven’t had a coffee
in two minutes, my heart!
Lorelai falls on top of Luke’s body. Also dead. She then shits herself.
RORY
Finally, I am free from her coffee
obsessed incessant pop culture
ramblings and questionable
parenting! I was never going to be
a nun, I just wanted to distract
her from coffee so she would be
without her life source.
EMILY
Oh my Rory, you are very clever.
Now you can join my privileged
white women’s association and made
complex decisions about table
arrangements.
RORY
But first I am going to marry my
left wing boyfriend in a
humanist ceremony, whose child I
am also carrying, which we will
raise non-gendered and name after
our hero, Bernie Sanders.
EMILY
What! Oh dear god, the scandal! My
heart can’t take it -
Emily dies of a heart attack at the shock, and falls on Lorelai and Luke’s body. She does not shit herself, but does an eloquent little fart instead.
LOGAN
You have another boyfriend?
RORY
No. Because I have realised that I
don’t need a man.
Rory then pulls out a gun from behind her back, which she has been hiding all this time, and shoots Logan before arranging the bodies to make it look like a murder suicide.
RORY
Now I will inherit the Gilmore
fortune, and finally get some
peace and quiet on my home planet.
Rory jumps on a nearby spaceship.
