My name is Sally Studio, renowned Hollywood scriptwriter, and I here to teach you how to pitch a movie to the big boys – the producers, directors, and keepers of those pearly celluloid movie gates. Firstly you need to have written a movie. That’s very important. Secondly it should either have explosions, a quippy dinosaur, or an inoffensively beautiful yet passive teenage girl in it. Also a finale with real balls. My last film “Lovebomb” had a finale that doubled up as both a romantic chase sequence, where the hero had to stop the girl getting on the plane and leaving him forever, and an action chase sequence, where the hero had to stop the girl getting on the plane and leaving him forever because she was also a bomb.
But how do I Pitch? Firstly, take down that tent. And put away that baseball. Pitching involves actually telling Hollywood execs what happens in your movie. Now, Hollywood film people have very short attention spans, so a lengthy and boring pitch about character development, thematic resonance and subtext will leave them falling asleep in their cup of Joe. Go straight for the gullet and reveal your twist ending right from the top. Since all the best films either end with a kiss, a shootout, or an invasion of killer spider demon bees, make sure your film does too. Don’t have a twist? No problem, have the traditional options on hand – she’s a man, he’s a ghost, everyone is honey badger, the aliens are allergic to water and can’t open doors – and let the executives choose one. Most films traditionally start with “it was a dark and stormy night,” or “you’re a wizard Harry.” Make sure yours does too.
At the end of the pitch try and round up with something confusing that sounds intelligent yet universally appealing, like “but aren’t we all a little bit too warm?” or “but aren’t all cats just small tigers?” before citing examples of films that did well at the box office and mashing them up with movies that less people saw, but were “critical successes.” “It’s like The Lego Movie meets Blue is the Warmest Colour! It’s like American Sniper meets The Grand Budapest Hotel! It’s like Boyhood meets Antichrist!” By now, they will be salivating with joy and all the imagined money they will reap, so try and leave them on a cliff-hanger.
Launch yourself out of a nearby window and fly away on your jetpack.