Originally read out on BBC Bristol for Speechbubble: Listen to the audio here
Ladies, girls and women! Do you want to stop your mother crying into her turkey dinner next Christmas? Do you want to ensnare an attractive man and procreate? Do you want a small army of adorable woodland creatures to follow you around and obey your every command? Do you want to bathe in piles of money and only buy your nonfat Greek bio yogurt from the high-end supermarkets?
Then listen to my advice, the only advice you need to transform your 2015 from mess into success. From eating all the éclairs to no more despairs. From too much fondue to yes I can do.
How, you ask? Well, with my Rules for Successful Living in 2015.
Rule No 1: Say the word moist less. No one likes that word. Replace it with “more than dry” or “less than greasy.”
Rule No 2: Single? Then why not find yourself a human man to eat dinner with two evenings a week. What’s that? It’s not that easy? Of course it is.
Just follow the advice of the man on the street. Specifically the one who says “cheer up love, it may never happen.’’
That creepy guy with the leering eyes and the keys to a white van is actually not a pervert who should mind their own business, but the only person brave enough to tell you the truth. Men simply don’t like women with facial expressions. Men like football, boobs and making a noise when they sit down.
Rule No 3: Have a baby. Everyone likes babies. Your mother likes babies. And they’re still the only way to guarantee a seat on public transport.
Rule No 4: Find some kind of exercise-based activity you enjoy and stick to it. Like pole dancing, kayaking or doing the horizontal fandango. I often get my workouts by throwing things I love down very steep hills and chasing after them, like my insulin or my signed copy of Kevin Costner’s autobiography, “Dance off with Wolves.”
Rule No 5: Do one thing everyday that scares you. Like going to the post office at lunchtime or bathing with a shark.
Rule No 6: Take more risks, buy more scratch cards, make your own jam, cross the road without looking, just do something which makes everyone around you go, “You know what – you’re alright.”
Rule No 7: They say everyone has a novel in them. Yours is a crime thriller about a baker who hides poison in the holes of crumpets.
Rule No 8: Be nicer to people. Buy a stranger a cookie. Take a lollipop lady to the theatre. Touch a leper. Take the blame when someone farts in a lift. Remember popularity fades but kindness leaves a scar.
Rule No 9: Keep those precious brain neurons firing by only engaging in interesting conversations. Make a vow to only talk about politics, religion and why, as a woman, you find it difficult to be in the same room as cake. Studies show weather-based conversations with men called Brian, Colin or Nigel actually kill brain cells, so next time someone tries to engage you in one of these, simply shout ‘weather this,’ and throw a beef wellington into their face.
Rule No 10: Most importantly, the golden rule, be true to yourself. Because everyone else will lie to you, and tell you that you’re perfect the way you are.
Allow yourself to transform from an ugly duckling into a swan, a moth into a butterfly, a lamb into a roast dinner and release the happier, fitter, more interesting, charitable, smarter, financially savvy, never sleepy, always up for a quick game of squash and a impromptu biscuit making session, aesthetically pleasing you that’s been lurking underneath all that despair and cheap make up.
Simply follow these rules and you’re 2015 will be like Matthew McConaughey’s 2014.