In less then 5 months I am going to hit the big 3-0 and a deep feeling of shame and regret burns through my abdomen, differing slightly from the giddy excitement I felt upon finally 8, 12 or even 18.
Turning 8 meant being allowed to stay up an extra fifteen minutes each evening. Turning 12 meant seeing Ace Ventura Pet Detective at the cinema and the possibility of getting boobs and turning 18 meant the guilt, so firmly etched onto my face every time I was asked for ID, finally dissipated. Getting into nightclubs underage was no longer a strategic mission where the most weathered faced girl would be planted at the front of our posse, the most juvenile looking sandwiched in the middle and I would be on ‘phone duty,’ i.e smoking cigarettes (like a grown up,) and pretending to be on the phone about how impossible it was to find a parking space near my flat.
The world felt like my oyster during those benchmark birthdays – I had much to look forward to, and many dreams yet to realise. I was naive to the oncoming recession, housing crisis and the price increase (yet size decrease) of Twirl. But turning 30 – Jesus. I have no more exciting milestones left to cross.
Being 30 means the end of possibility, the drying up of ovaries, the acceptance that I will never learn keytar, or have a career as an extra in Nicolas Cage films or make love to a French person called Jean Paul Claudette on a hiking and backpacking holiday through the ancient seas of the Indian rainforest mountain. I can no longer have casual sex, ambition, a sense of frivolity, posters on my wall and midnight snacks. I can’t wear outdoor hats indoors anymore or laugh at flatulence, not even my own, and a big net will fall over me every time I buy a book from the YA section of Waterstones WITHOUT the moody adult cover that suggests the book is actually full of like, dark themes and political satire so, it’s all the subtext is actually lost on stupid little kids tiny little brains anyhow.
I am not meant to be working out what I want to do with my life, my psyche is not some puzzle I am slowly finding the corners and the bits in the middle for. No, it is meant to be near completion by now, save missing a few pieces which are under the sofa somewhere, ready to be slotted in and glued down to reveal my ever present future (please don’t be a picture of me having dinner with an evil clown.)
The next exciting event will be receiving my pension. Except I am self employed, so bad at finance. More likely the silver screen events where they give you a nice cup of tea and a biscuit for being wrinkled is the next ray of sunshine in my dementia filled life.
You may think I am exaggerating, but internet research has proved to me that being a woman over 30 means saying a series of small goodbyes to all the things people associate with youth.
I must adapt to fit, but luckily the internet is also filled tips and tricks on what it is to be an ‘ageing woman’ in today’s world*. The most insightful piece of well written, deeply researched journalism I have encountered was an article at http://www.rantchic.com called ’20 things women should stop wearing after age 30,’ which states, ‘By age 30, women are expected to be a little more mature, and they should dress like it too.’
We become the fine cheese, wine and whisky we can finally afford. Mature, well rounded, full bodied and of course, stinky.
Here is their awesome comprehensive advice, with my thoughts on how to follow it! Yay.
20 things women should stop wearing after age 30
20. Leopard Print. Rant Chic says: ‘There is such thing as too much of a good thing, and leopard print is only cute in small doses.’
This is upsetting. I don’t know about you, but it took me four years to find the perfect item of leopard print clothing – a print so knowingly tacky it is ironically trendy.
(Unless you wear it with sincerity, then you’re just tacky without the irony. Like someone who watches Selfie for the plot rather than just because you want Karen Gillan to do well because she seems nice.)
It turns out my leopard print soul mate was hiding in the legging section of Primark.
I am not oblivious to how stupid/AMAZING my leopard print Primark leggings look, but people love me for them. They think I am zany. Fun. I wear them to the gym and in public spaces. On nights out. I don’t need to be witty or interesting, I simply thrust my legs onto the table and people know the score. A woman wearing such crazy leggings is total non stop party time fun time and needs to make little effort with words or polite conjecture.
My leggings make going for runs a joy, and people clap and cheer as I speed past with my animal legs, confusing me briefly for whatever the leopard version of a Centour is.
The leggings hide the terrible truth about me. That I like board games and am seriously considering getting into LARP in a BIG WAY.
19. Sparkly Pants. Rant Chic says, ‘Unless it’s New Years Eve don’t rock pants brighter than the sun.’
Thank you Rant Chic for creating loopholes and exceptions in this list of don’ts. You have at least provided us specific occasions where we can dress like we are young and carefree.
On the cusp of another year which brings us closer to death.
This list is tricky. It’s like, what if it took me years to feel confident enough to dress how I want to dress without fear of judgement, or ridicule, and only now am I realising that it’s okay to be me, and have fun with fashion? What if some of us spent our 20’s feeling a tiny bit insecure, or unsure of our style direction because we were once voted ‘most fashionable,’ at our sixth form end of year awards? And we only found out years later it was actually just a hilarious joke?
HAHAHA FUCKING HA *runs into the toilets at the school reunion and cries*.
I can’t help it if my mum bought most of my sixth form suit clothes for me, and thought I was a size 8 (ah mother, always the optimist.)
ALSO they should have a disclaimer on this list…20 things women should stop wearing after age 30… unless your Tilda Swinton or Kate Moss. If so, carry on.
18. Oversized Sunglasses. Rant Chic says ‘They might be fun, but they’re not mature. Splurge a little and buy a nice pair that actually fits.’
I DISAGREE WITH YOU RANT CHIC. High fashion (expensive) does not always equal practical, mature and well fitted.
The sunglasses below for example. They are made by Bvlgarr and cost $31,000 – which is about £680. They come with 206 diamonds, and to me they seem a little… I don’t know…OVERSIZED. A little IMPRACTICAL. A little LIKE HAVING THE TREASURES OF THE SIERRA MADRE ON YOUR FACE.
But to be fair, I have been charged kids rates for adult film’s whilst wearing oversize sunglasses, and as soon as I take them off they are like, sorry, you seemed like so immature, and now we are see that you are Brad Pitt at the beginning of Benjamin Button.
17. Un-matching socks. Rant Chic says ‘By age 30, you should be able to keep better track of your socks.’
This is like a fucking bullet to my heart. To my heart. Sure, not matching up my socks has lead to false accusations of “quirkiness” from haters, and sometimes school children laugh at me, but I can think of eight GROWN UP things I would rather do than waste precious time matching up my socks.
2. Watch Holby City.
3. Put water in my car.
4. Clean my oven
5. Become CEO of my own company.
6. Get a subscription to Psychologies Magazine.
7. Take folic acid
8. Make a noise when I sit down.
No. I can’t. I can’t believe this is the sign of being a functional 30 year old. I have failed. I am nothing.
16. Hoop Earrings. Rant Chic says ‘Only girls in high school can still pull off hoop earrings.’
You know, my old headmistress said we couldn’t wear hoop earrings in school in case someone walked past with a stray pencil which pulled them, and our ear lobe, off.
15. Furry Boots. Rant Chic says ‘Let the teenagers have their fun, but no 30-year-old woman should be caught dead in “boots with the fur.”‘
Oh you teenagers, with your iPhones, and your butt plugs and your P Diddy and your websites and your inability to retire before the age of 75 and your huge debts and your impractical and stupid furry boots, which you insist on wearing into the grimy shit filled streets.
I agree with you here Rant Chic. Furry boots are stupid. You might as well put your legs straight into the belly of a dog, and drag its corpse around on your feet.
14. Furry anything. Rant Chic says ‘It’s rare to find furry clothing that’s actually fashionable AND age appropriate.’
Apart from a merkin.
13. Tube Tops. Rant Chic says ‘Ugh, why do they still make these? Nobody looks good in them.’
Firstly, the woman they have used to illustrate their point is not wearing a tube top. Its more like a shoulderless top. And she does look good in them, negating your point Rant Chic.
Secondly, I hope every women in all these images are under 30, otherwise I will sue their butts.
Thirdly, like rub it in our face that ALL these young, nubile women with their ripe eggs and elasticated skin can wear the clothes we have had to systematically burn in the great burning ritual of the 30th year of our existence, a ceremony all women who have lived to this great age must go through, otherwise they risk banishment from the parishes of their coffee shops, womens groups and book clubs.
12. Short dresses. Rant Chic says ‘You don’t have to bare it all to look sexy.’
Like, tell that to Miley Cyrus, you know. HA. I think you should be born wrapped in a skin tight body suit, and bits of it only drop off once you reach the age in which you can understand that more is often less. After all, young men have a great respect for the woman who buttons up that shirt, and unravels that skirt. But in all seriousness, why does wearing a short dress mean you are trying to ‘bare all,’ rather than wanting to wear a nice dress you own, which you enjoy? The picture for this point equates wearing a short dress with hanging out on street corners with your legs all akimbo, or being a sex worker. Short dress doesn’t always = attracting a mate or being a prostitute. Sometimes you might have really warm legs.
11. Mini-Skirts. Rant Chic says ‘By this age, women should know it’s always better to leave something to the imagination.’
Let me save you some time women under 30 – men don’t only operate on a flesh to eye system when choosing a mate. They like a woman who leaves something to the imagination. Let men imagine you have a unicorn under your full length Victorian style kimono. Or hint that you own much land, butlers and castles, and they can imagine you are some kind of wealthy heiress, and thus the need to bare your legs is eradicated forever.
10. Overalls. Rant Chic says ‘No. Just no.’
But I have so many questions – Like what if I am painting the spare room?
Okay one question.
9. Crop Tops. Rant Chic says ‘Even if you have a bangin’ body, leave these “shirts” to the young folks.’
Crop tops – The thinking woman’s boob tube.
Both impractical, and confusing.
8.American Eagle. Rant Chic says ‘Sure, their jeans fit perfectly, but that doesn’t make it trendy for women over 30 to be wearing them.’
‘I like your jeans Donna, they make your butt looks so snug. Where did you get them?’
‘Get out. Get the fuck out.’
They may fit you grandma, but that don’t make it right.
7.Booty shorts. Rant Chic says ‘I don’t know at what age it is acceptable to let your booty hang out.’
Haha, fuck you generation Z – you can’t let your behind hang out either.
But I do know when it is acceptable to let your booty hang out. When you are a baby. Or on the loo.
6. Old Sneakers. Rant Chic says ‘Grown women should not be seen in rundown tennis shoes. If you can’t afford a new pair, then it’s time to reevaluate life as a 30-year-old.’
Are you prioritising food and shelter over new shoes? Well stop.
5. Cheap bras. Rant Chic says ‘Your breasts deserve the proper support by this age.’
More like, your breasts NEED the proper support by this age. I don’t about you, but I passed (or rather failed) the pencil a long while ago.
4.Glitter eyeshadow. Rant Chic says ‘Save the glitter for things that should actually sparkle.’
When they talk about things that should sparkle I assume they mean boys eyes when you really really like them and this.
The Edward Cullen Dildo. This should sparkle.
The glitter eyeshadow forbidden is a toughy though, because it takes up to 30 years to learn the art of putting glitter eyeshadow on without it going in your eye balls or permanently scratching your retina.
3.Platform Flip Flops. Rant Chic says ‘Actually, nobody should wear these. There’s nothing cute or sexy about platform flip-flops.’
Rant Chic once again misunderstands the title of the piece, and thinks they can reach out to those under 30 to advise them on present and past fashion sins, as well as those yet to come. They call it charity work.
They have forgotten to mention the fact that these are acceptable if you are going to a fancy dress party as a spice girl.
Or if you’re Tom Cruise.
2.Abercrombie & Fitch. Rant Chic says ‘Do 30-year-olds even fit into A&F clothes?’
This model doesn’t even fit into A & F clothes – The sleeves are way too short, and the hemlines are a little on the ‘you can’t bend over in that EVER’ side.
She looks like some New York rich kid who graduated from high school, couldn’t take the pressure of becoming a grown up, so got drunk, went into her 15 year old sisters room, put on all her clothes, announced to her parents, in the middle of the charity gala they were hosting, she was ready for their summer in the Hamptons, before she drank an entire bottle of champagne and vomited over the most important guest. Now her whole family are having an awkward car ride, and her sister is like ‘urgh, take off my clothes you dick,’ and the girl is like ‘never, okay, never, I look fabulous and you’re just jealous, they fit me like a glove Hailey, LIKE A GLOVE.’
But, Rant Chic do beggar the question – how does the 30 year old women deal with the extra butt that grows when she hit’s 30? As I have mentioned previously, there is the pagan ritual in which we burn all clothes on mentioned on this list, as well as our hopes and dreams, but there is also the growing of the extra sacred buttock of saltar, which makes sitting down easier (as older people do that a lot, you may have noticed) but makes clothes a total bitch to fit into.
1. Scrunchies. Rant Chic says – ‘If you’re old enough to do your own hair, you should not be wearing scrunchies.’
You know who loved scrunchies? Judas. He fucking loved a scrunchie. He wore one the day Jesus died, just so he could keep the hair out of his face to see his pain better. Voldemort was rarely seen without a scrunchie. It is the Daily Mail editors most coveted item. Piers Morgan has a small scrunchie stand, which he operates out of the Americas Got Talent lot. UKIP want to make anyone not born of the UK wear a scrunchie to better identify them. The scrunchie was the reason Carrie and Berger broke up. Scrunchies made Jamie Dorman shave off his beard for the 50 Shades of Grey Film, thus rendering him completely unattractive. Scrunchies are cunts. They are the hairbands excessive cousin, who flaunts their excess pointless fabric like gluten lovers rub gluten into faces of those with gluten intolerance. Scrunchies directed John Carter from Mars and made Peter Jackson turn the hobbit into three films. Scrunchies gave you that parking ticket and the cold that lasts all winter. Scrunchies will loose the receipts you need, but stick the ones you don’t need to your armpits. Scrunchies took your hairline away, your job and punched you in the face whilst you slept. Down with scrunchies.