Ladies, remember being young and awkward? With stretch marks and wonky boobs and a layer on downy hair all over your body? And this weird wisp of hair on the front of your head that almost seemed like a fringe, but more like the fringe of a baby which had been stolen from them and stuck to your forehead as they slept, and you could do nothing about it?
Yeah me too.
The worst thing about the four year ‘transition’ phase of the lady body was having to spend the weekends getting ‘it’ out in front of other teenage girls and their mums, in badly lit courtrooms of judgement known as ‘changing rooms.’
“OMG Macy, look at that girls stretch marks. I am so glad your body didn’t rapidly expand before your skin did, it would have brought such shame onto the family.”
My friends and I all pretended we were all in the Mark One changing rooms to try on boob tubes and halter necks, but really we were there for one thing, and for one thing only.
To sneak a peak at each others boobs, and check ours were normal in comparison.
And there was always one friend who had transitioned from ‘not a girl to not yet a woman’ exceptionally smoothly, but was so nonchalant about it that you didn’t notice until you were in the changing rooms, where you stood gawking at her Venus like body and stuttering, ‘but but but you’re so beautiful.’
Then you would buy nothing and go home and cry to your mum.
“But mum, she doesn’t even have back eczema! WHEN WILL IT STOP?”
Yeah, growing up can sometimes make you feel like Frankensteins monster, where each new day brings a new and disturbing surprise about your body. Look what it does now. Great.
In a bid to feel better about myself I started to avoid all mirrors, and I forsook the changing rooms of Tammy Girl and Miss Selfridge in exchange for the Freemans sales catalogues.
The Freemans sale catalogue didn’t judge me, and was full of women wearing tie dye bell bottom jeans, denim jackets and THANK GOD boob tubes, having the best time as they relaxed in places that resembled the caribbean, but were more likely to be the Isle of Wight or Weston Super Mare.
I circled everything I could in a flurry of excitement, before begging my mum to send off her hard earned cash for these seemingly wonderful outfits.
The clothes arrived and everything I ordered was made out of a far cheaper material than I even dreamed possible, and everything made me look like I was pregnant. But I didn’t care. It saved me the turmoil of the changing room, and I would parade around the streets of Walton with my stretchy peddle pushers thinking “that’s right, got it from Freemans and it makes me look fabulous.”
I had all but forgotten about my love of sales catalogues aka the vinyl of the download world until I stumbled upon the Skymall magazine on a United Airlines Flights, and realised I had not lived until that day.
It knocked Argos, Freemans and Avon Beauty out of the park in terms of absolute crap it sells, precious junk you never thought you needed (and you really don’t), a day time shopping channel of shit all shoved into one useful little book.
This is why I have carried one issue around with me for two years, waiting for some kind of windfall so I can buy it all.
Let me show you now, dear reader, the creme de la creme (the cream of the cream) that is available in Skymall, and open your mind to a world of glorious tat.
Awesome Item No 1. The Best Advice Ever
Yeah, that’s right, better than your friend Jean who always knows the right thing to say, and better than your nan who has lived through two wars and five husbands, and better than your cousin Bruce who always tells you to it straight. This book has the best advice ever, because it is, of course, written by God, and he has been sitting on this baby for the last million years.
It took him a while to get a publisher, as the ending of the Bible was so disappointing and open ended, he had to hide away for a while. He was all like “what am I Damon Lindelof?”
He was going to call it, ‘The Bible 2: Cruise Control,’ but that name was already taken, so he went with ‘The Best Advice Ever,’ and he wants you to give it to your kids, because you are far too old to get past all those mistakes you made, and as you know, they are the most destructive force in our lives.
Yeah, more destructive than smoking, carbon monoxide, and adorable but evil fascist kittens with giant political brains who graduated first from Oxford, and have their sights set on the UN.
I can not wait to see what is inside. I expect it will be a combination of ‘womans own’ lifestyle tips, and general things like ‘be nice to each other,’ and ‘socks before shoes,’ as well as answering some of the more pesky open ended advice he gave us in the bible.
Item no 2. Persistent Anxiety Vest for Dogs and Cats
This lovely little outfit is not only super cool and snazzy, but claims to cure your dog or cats anxiety, which is useful because let’s face it, pets are dumb.
I am sorry guys, your dog is fucking stupid, no matter how much you try and claim “he thinks he’s people.”
I can counter that argument with one flick of the hover.
Oh, wait, he thinks the hover is going to kill him.
Which is why you need this vest. To prove people like me wrong, and to release a large amount of valium into your dogs body, so you can do what you have always wanted to do.
You can finally hover your dog.
BEWARE: Skymall also claims the vest stops dogs, ‘jumping or barking,’ so generally being dogs.
Item No 3. Motorbike for Children.
A young Dennis Hopper? No this is in fact a kid about to leave home for the first time, and what better way to send off your child for his first adventure by buying him a pair of leathers and a motor bike!
By four they should really be self sufficient, or at least be ready to drop some acid in the desert, and little Michael here is no different.
Also imagine a whole crew of these kids on route 66, smoking fags and drinking Jack Daniels straight from the bottle? So fucking adorable
Item No 4. Leg Lamp
I know what I am getting Mads Mikkelsen for Christmas, and what a bargain too at $199!
This is the ideal present for the busy modern day woman, who has no time to satisfy her horny husband’s dead prostitute fetish.
“Not tonight darling, why don’t you fondle the leg lamp for a bit?”
Item No. 5 Tyre B Fast
“WEEEEEEE” This woman is saying as she travels down her street on her moving tyre, the envy of all her neighbours.
And she aint no fool either, she knows about safety precautions, especially with a vehicle that travels upwards of 2 miles per hour.
Imagine the look on her childrens face when she picks them up from school, and imagine the look on her husbands face when he asks her how much it cost.
“What is money, when you’re having such a lovely adventure?”
“Seriously Susan, how much?”
“What is money when you feel the wind in your hair?”
“Susan. HOW MUCH HAVE YOU CLEANED ME OUT?”
“You can’t put a price on a moving tyre Don.”
“I THINK YOU CAN!”
Item No. 6 Hair Hat
Bald and embarrassed on the golf course? Want to look like Vanilla Ice? Want someone to laugh in your face rather than behind your back? These shady visors protect your eyes and give you a stunning head of frosted tips.
Skymall claim it makes for a amusing gift, for those ‘who have everything.’ Everything that is, apart from a natural head of head.
Item No. 7 – Fuck off Grey
Thats right, this little pill will transform you from the Dame Judi Dench of your book club to the Helen Mirren of your swingers club.
Item No. 8 Zombie Garden Ornament
My mum asked for a gnome for Xmas. I got her this, and I have never looked back.
Item No 9. Competitive Kitty
Got cats, but have been reproductively challenged? Fed up with your friends commenting on how great their children are, before offering you a sad smile, prodding your womb and calling you ‘the barren one?’
Well, with Litter Kwitter you can finally one up them, by getting your cat to do things babies are far too stupid to do.
Item No 10. Baby Face
I wonder how much he was paid to get the haircut to better demonstrate the use of the UpRight Sleeper?
It promises to let you sleep like a baby wherever you are, so with drooling and shitting yourself is a must.
Other awesome bits and pieces
These boots look like Dali vomited on them. Want so bad.
After you have murdered someone, whats the first thing you want to do? Tweet about it! And with these Hammacher Schlemmer gloves, you can!
But of course!
Sorry Jack, I appear to have sat on a giant pizza on your…wait a second, this is a cushion? I was trying to eat it!
And finally, my personal favourite….
These are much more successful than my Earth without Th is just Ear t shirts.