dating, Writing

Decoding Boys Body Language

Cosmopolitan magazine has been a consistent source of wisdom for women up and down the country for the last hundred years. It has been the mother figure who taught us how to wear shoes, the sister who taught us what his text message really means, and the best friend who made us feel like we were never quite good enough because we didn’t have thigh gap or a job in PR.

From awkward teenage years to awkward adult years, it has always been there with a shit free gift and stock images of pretty women eating yogurt in their underwear, BUT their most valuable asset has always been their innate ability to decode boy behaviour. They have spent years solving mysteries like

– Why do men make us cry ?

– What’s a penis?

– Why can’t men ask for directions?

– And what is up with football?

Their greatest tool in battling through the mysterious labyrinth that is known as ‘dudes’ is their online guide to body language. It is the most intricate study ever carried out on male behaviour, is 100 % foolproof and should be taken literally. Do not take any of it with a pinch of salt. This will lead to Friday nights alone drinking Sunny D, and tweeting about how surprised you were to learn it is still sold in the UK.

This guide has saved me a lot of time and energy. No longer do I stare into the middle distance trying to figure out what it means when he goes sort of crossed eyed, scratches his nose or uses his hands to pick things up. No longer do I question whether laughing means he is happy, or shouting means he is a bit annoyed, or burping means he is gassy because now I know.

I think if Jane Eyre was still around, or had not been a fictional character, she would have consulted this guide in a mad frenzy and realised that whilst Mr Rochester did want to face-make with her (old fashioned term for sex, because babies have faces, so you’re making faces) he was not at liberty to, because of his crazy wife. IT’S ALL IN THE GUIDE.

The best thing about this guide is the pictures they have used to illustrate their points, in case your lady brain gets confused. I have published the entire guide below, complete with their wonderful photos, and want to take you through it so you too can find out whether a boy likes you and never have to suffer the humiliation of just asking.

1. He positions his chest towards you but is looking elsewhere in the room.

body lang1

Hey bro, what are you looking at?  I’m right here. What’s that? You’re having a flashback to a funny thing that happened to you on the way over?  What’s that? My cat has taken some mice hostage and you’re watching to see how it turns out? What’s that? You’re checking out my vintage collection of Sweet Valley High first editions? WHY CAN’T YOU LOOK AT ME! AM I HIDEOUS?

If a boy can’t look me in the face, I take it as red that he hates me, because boy’s tend to look at things they like. Why do you think they are always looking at themselves naked in the mirror? Or like, pizza? Or girls butts? Although this guy, handsome blonde fellow, has clearly got naked and into my bed, so he must at least find me tolerable? Right Cosmo?

Whether it’s you, your best friend, or the keg in the corner, whatever a boy aims his upper body at is the most meaningful thing in the room to him. So if one night, a tasty man-morsel approaches your posse, you and your friends won’t need to fight for the fella’s affections; study his body language and you’ll already know who he’s after.

Ah, so if he faces in your direction, then he fancies you. But if his legs, face, and feet are all pointing at you, BUT his chest is facing away, then he doesn’t fancy you and is double jointed, or a witch.

He half smiles.


Love love love this guys Jordan Catalano hair and Action Man pecs, and due to his lack of shirt I am assuming the half smile means ‘look down…….ALRIGHT.’

Unless you zoom out and this is the middle of a life drawing class. Or possibly some kind of sanitorium. The windows behind him do have a touch of the One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest about them. But my mother always said, a sanitorium is a great place to meet men.

But that half smile is creepy.

It’s sort of saying you’re funny ‘for a woman,’ he will let you brush his hair, but you can’t have any water and the nice coffee is saved for guests.

Lets see what Cosmo says

There’s a good chance this guy just wants a no-strings fling. “A sneerlike grin is an indication that he’s not being sincere with you,” points out body language expert Patti Wood. “It’s a split-face gesture: Each side of his face is telling a different story.”

I feel like you could date this guy for three years, ask him to pick you up some ‘feminine products’ whilst he was at the shops, and he would come back with a couple of carrots, a uncooked chicken, a slow cooker and a bag of potatoes, throw them on the table and go, ‘there are your feminine products, now make me dinner.’

He lifts his eyebrows.


Is this guy really raising his eyebrows? Because I’m pretty sure he is sort of smiling, which means he also falls under the old half smile rule, and JESUS isn’t that his chest pointed at you? Mixed messages!

Cosmo says ‘When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal. Anthropologists call it the eyebrow flash because it’s usually lightning-quick.’

So, I think what you’re looking for ladies is this….







He touches his belt or jeans pocket.


FINALLY A MAN WHO WEARS CLOTHES. But why has he brought you to the boat yard? And why is he smiling like that? And what’s with the open plunge top? And why does he have two fingers resting the tip of his penis? Cosmo! Help! Am I about to get assaulted?

If he touches his belt, hangs his thumb off a front pocket, or even scratches himself down there, you may need to hose him down — he’s subconsciously trying to draw your attention to his, ahem, assets.

If a boy scratching or adjusting himself is a sure fire sign he wants to sleep with you, then I have to have some awkward conversations with my EVERYONE I HAVE EVER MET WHO HAS MALE GENITALIA.

I also resent Cosmo calling his penis his assets. I mean, can I invest them in the stock market? Or use them as a down payment on a house?

Maybe the confusion with this guy arouse at the bank, where you work, because when he said he would show you his ‘assets’ in order to secure a loan you assumed he was taking you to the boatyard to see his yacht, but instead he lured you down here, turned his body towards you (a sure sign he likes you, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN) and started lightly pressing on his penis.

He holds a looong, piercing gaze.


Excuse me young man, I don’t have any sugar/spare buttons right now so will you please get off my porch. I am sorry a magpie stole all your buttons, but I have a dozen topless men in my house and they all seem to want different things.

Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five seconds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look as a seduction technique to get you into bed.

To be honest, it works Cosmo. If a man can look me in both my eyes, even when they go a bit cross eyed, as often they are prone to do when I am tired, then I will let him into my bed.

He stands or sits with his toes pointed towards each other


Well this guy stumbled out of a ballet class and into my life.  Either way, why did I only carpet half my floor?

This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy at the bar is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.

I invited you in didn’t I? Told you to take off your shirt didn’t I? GOD Terence I wish you would stop being so GOD DAMN insecure!  Obviously the interest is mutual. Oh, what’s that? You just need the toilet, and I am reading far too much into this? Oh sure, you say that but do you know how difficult it is to understand men?

He has a coy, close-mouth grin that shows only at the corners of his upturned mouth.


So apparently I have now started taking gap year students into my house. Great. Is this guy trying to sell me his hand made jewellery? Either way this is a bad face. This is the ‘cool story bro’ face, and it doesn’t look coy to me. It is really patronising and he clearly hates me.  Even though it seems I have given him a lovely drink. Cosmo, I don’t think this means he likes me.

Rest assured he likes you, but he doesn’t want to reveal too much too soon. He’s probably a bit shy (and possibly insecure) so he won’t put all of his emotions on the line right away

He’s insecure too? Between him and Terrence I am in a sea of male baggage. I gave him a drink, I told him his story about swimming with turtles was erotic, and I complimented his necklace and sideburns combo. What more could he want?

He tilts his head slightly to the side when your eyes meet.


Listen, she has a protractor in her hands, and he is about to tell her how to use it, case closed.

Also this guy in the photo is FACING the woman with his CHEST, so you know, again, case closed. He wants to bone her. But wait, are those raised eyebrows and a half smile? And where are his hands? are they on his cock or pointing towards his belt? Cosmo has made this so confusing.

The head tilt is a subconscious come-hither signal to any femme the guy has feelings for. So if that man you’ve been making eyes with for the last hour gives you the head tilt, that’s your cue to go in for the kill and introduce yourself or even send him a drink.

Hi I’m Ellen, I noticed you tilting your head at me so….. Oh, right, trapped nerve? My mistake. Carry on.

He smiles with his top lip stretched wide and his front teeth just barely peeking through.


You look like you have some kind of serious iron deficiency, would you like some spinach? I would appreciate it if you stopped grimacing at me like that. Oh what’s that? Your leg is caught in a bear trap and you’re losing blood fast?  Right. Yeah, well this guy was trying to break in earlier, something about wanting some buttons….

This tight-lipped look is a polite signal that while he enjoys your company, the romantic spark may not be there. But that doesn’t mean his feelings can’t develop.

Oh it’s like that is it? Well, you’re the one who’s lying out of my bed with no top on, wearing pink swimming shorts, AND YOU KNOW I HAVE NO POOL. I didn’t even want to sleep with you to start with, I just thought you looked ill and could do with a nice lie down.


What the fuck are you laughing at? And why is everyone drinking beer! Where is my beer? If I am hosting this topless sex party, one of you guys could have brought me a beer! Are we going swimming? Are those swimming shorts or long boxers. I am SO confused!

Cosmo help?

He has a devilish smirk where he raises the right or left side of his closed mouth.

Devilish smirk? More like dickish smirk. AMIRITE. Unless this is the first sign of a stroke, and then I am sorry.

You’ll have to play hard to get with this boy if you want to hook him. A guy with a grin like this thrives when presented with a bit of a challenge. Catch him if you can.

I challenge you to a game of snap, to the death.

He stands with his legs spread apart.


How far apart, like normal stride like this man’s, or sort of close to doing the splits? You know what, I don’t care anymore. Guy in sandals, though I judge you for wearing sandals, do you like me? Would you like to go for a moonlight walk with me and talk about the first time we experienced real loss? No? You just have groin strain and the most comfortable way for you to stand is legs akimbo. And you’re clearly with someone, and she thinks you’re hilarious and bought matching sandals. Why am I even at your house?

A guy will often stand with his legs spread apart and pelvis facing you when he’s hot for you. It’s a primal, biological instinct, and most guys don’t even know they’re doing it.

So there we go.

If in doubt as to whether a guy likes you, even if he has his shirt off and is in your bedroom with a beer, better check the cosmo guide to decoding body language because you can never be too sure. I think ignoring your intuition and second guessing everything keeps you happy, stable and in healthy relationships.

Thank you Cosmo.

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