Comedy, Writing


I read this excellent article on The Huffington Post about how to feel more confident as a woman, and it really helped me out so I thought I would share it with you all.

I have also taken the liberty of adding in my own tips underneath Amy’s , just to clarify her workings out and add to her excellent and universal tips.

I have to stress that this list is aimed at women, so if you are a man I would ask that you to please avert your eyes and go back to talking about Jeff Goldblum and rifle ranges, or whatever it is you scamps discuss in the locker room after lacrosse.

Further warning to the feminists: Before you get all annoyed and riled up, Amy does state ‘I’m pretty old fashioned when it comes to this type of stuff. But I also think we should celebrate our femininity. And show up as the women we truly are.’ So this advice, although seemingly aimed at all women, is actually aimed at a certain kind of woman. The kind who isn’t too lazy to be attractive.


1.    Remove all of your body hair. Legs, underarms, Brazilian. In fact, you should always keep yourself groomed in this manner. You’re a woman, not a man. You’ll feel better for it.

First off – great tip but I did wonder why you would remove your leg hair in Winter? It offers practical insulation during the recession, and saves time in the shower. Although I do take Amy’s point about the gender confusion. I have often been mistaken for a man, despite my obvious female genitalia, due to my occasional bouts of stubble. Many a gay man and pretty lady have left my house disappointed after I showed them my birth certificate. Now I try and walk around with my boobs out, thus resolving any confusion over whether I am in fact a woman.

2.    Do your hair. Wash it, style it. Make sure it’s coloured if you have roots showing. Or worse yet, greys. If you don’t have time, wear a cool hat (my trademark, given my hate for taking a brush to my mane). If you don’t have time to wash it, use dry shampoo, or put it in a top knot. Top knots are cool too. It shows off your face and your décolletage (and stops you from twirling your hair around your finger like an anxious teenager).

It’s all well for Amy to tell us grey hair is the worst because she discovered the elixir of eternal youth in 2011 and won’t share it with anyone, but for those of us who can’t reverse the effects of aging I would suggest cutting your own fringe. It will distract from the grey hair and show off your forehead, the most sensual part of a woman. And if it’s rubbish you can follow Amy’s advice about the cool hat. Although she has trademarked it so you will have to get her written permission.

3.    Put on makeup. Even if it’s just a little bit. I find even a little concealer, mascara and lipgloss works wonders. Also, the winged eyeliner look is always a classic when in doubt. It will open up those peepers. And for some reason, red lipstick makes you feel more confident too.

Experts have searched high and low for the reason why red lipstick makes us feel more confident, and it has eluded them as much as it has eluded Amy. To get a really classic look, put on a full face of makeup, chop up some onions and then hold your head over a steaming bowl of water. Voila, you are Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.’ Classic.

4.    Wear jewelry. But not too much. There really is such a thing as too much jewelry. I personally always stick to my diamond crucifix necklace (I’ve worn a crucifix since my first holy communion when I was around 8 – in fact, it never comes off), a pair of diamond stud earrings, and a gold man style watch. I’m very set in my ways. And simple is always best. Less really is more.

Sadly I have to disagree with Amy here, as I believe more is actually less. I have carried around a giant diamond crucifix since my first holy communion when I was around 8 – in fact it never comes off…my shoulders. Everyone turns to look at me as I drag it along the street re-enacting the passion of the Christ on my daily commute to work, and my confidence is boosted by their stares.

5.    Dress up. Wear something that you feel good in. Wear something that shows off your best assets. Have nice toned legs? Wear a cute pair of shorts. A tiny waist? Wear something to accentuate it. And if you’re having a fat day? Maxi-dresses all the way. In fact, my favourite go to outfit, is a maxi-dress and a blazer. It never goes out of style.

I have wonderful elbows and I would consider them my best assets. When I am feeling low I cut the holes out of all my shirts and blazers so everyone can get an eyefull of my sensual pointy arm joiners. Elbows never go out of style.

 6. Wear a fake tan if you want to appear slimmer. Whilst I am perpetually tanned, given my olive skin and my love of the beach and the outdoors (I actually look like a little native of some remote island in the Pacific), and have actually never had a fake tan done, my friends that have, always look fabulous. It gives you that healthy glow. And appear a few kilos lighter.

Amy has access to the sun on a constant 24 hour due to her special relationship with nature, but some of us (like her poor fat pasty friends) are not so lucky, and have to stick to more conventional methods of tanning. Like the carrot method. Amy doesn’t mention the carrot method because she doesn’t want you to know, but if you only eat carrots for ever then not only will you be slim but the excess carotene will give you a olive like glow. Two birds, one carrot.

7.   Wear heels. It makes your legs look better, and makes you walk more femininely. I often try to wear heels, mostly because I am the height of a child, and would be bumping my head on coffee tables if I didn’t. If you’re not wearing heels, wear a cute pair of flats. But make sure those hooves are pedicured.

Oh dear, Amy does have some downsides, she is a horse. Or at least her bottom half is. I have a similar affliction. My hairy toes resemble that of a hobbits, so flat shoes simply add further confusion to my already troublesome gender issues. Many a Tolkien obsessed gay man and pretty lady have left my house disappointed after I showed them my birth certificate proving I am not only a woman, but also a human.

8.   Wear “power knickers”. Sounds stupid right? Not really. Surely you have a favourite pair? I have a pair of red knickers that I wear if I’m feeling as though I’m lacking confidence. It’s just a placebo effect really, but for some reason, I feel better when I wear them. And like I always say, whatever gets you to where you need to go.

 She does always say that. She’s always like ‘where you need to go?’ and I’m like ‘Norwich,’ and she’s like ‘how,’ and I’m like ‘train I guess,’ and she’s like ‘whatever gets you where you need to go.’

 I would argue over the idea of power knickers being a placebo effect, especially if you wear them the way I choose to. Over my pants. Like a superhero. It’s quite a literal effect.

 9. Also wear nice underwear regardless. If you’re wearing something tight, wear seamless underwear – not NO underwear. And if you have next to no breasts like me, and choose to skip wearing a bra, first make sure your outfit isn’t see-through, and for Gods sake, use Hollywood tape.

Life is a crazy adventure and we don’t know where it will take us, and in order to be prepared for every eventuality our French knickers must match our lacy balcony bra.

10. Paint your fingernails and toenails. And paint them the same colour. Red or black is always a winner. It’s timeless and classy. And keep your nails short too. You don’t want to be rivalling an extra from a low budget porno with super long talons. And it’s unhygienic too come to think of it.

Porn stars nails are clogged with semen and lube, unless they are in a movie with high production values, so if you want to get a part in a classy porno keep those nails short and classic.

11. Wear perfume. Find your signature scent. I have been wearing Issey Miyake for 20 years now. It’s my thing. And smells invoke memories. You’ll leave a lasting impression.

My signature scent is a mixture of beer, bacon and lack of commitment. I call it ‘things boys like’ and have been wearing it for 20 years now. It’s my thing (along with cattle rearing)  

 12. Moisturise your skin. Not just your face. Your entire body. I have Palmers Cocoa Butter in my bathroom, and I slather myself in it after each shower. You need to take care of your skin. And it will keep it nice and soft too. And again – YOU’RE A WOMAN.

 I know, I know – men have scaly lizard bodies so moisturising is the only way for the government to distinguish between us, but Palmers Cocoa Butter is so expensive Amy! I have had my Woman’s License revoked so many times because I can only afford to moisturise between my toes. How can I buy four kilos of it a week if I am spending so much money on diamond jewellery, Maxi dresses and cool hats?

13. Use eye drops. This is my secret. I use them every day. The eyes are the window to your soul. Or so they say. It will whiten them, making you look well rested, and give you that little twinkle to your eyes. Your eye makeup will look better too.

Alternatively you can take amphetamines. Dilated plus a world of fun.

14. Make sure you talk. I’m a big talker. I’m highly communicative. Don’t let your nerves overcome you and sit there like a mute. But most importantly, listen. A conversation should be like a tennis match.

Useful advice, unless you are a mute. In that case a conversation will be more like a game of squash. Best to only talk when someone asks you a question, and when it is about safe lady topics like top knots, horse feet, maxi dresses and the biological differences between the sexes.

15. And finally, relax. Don’t overthink things. Go with the flow. Try not to fidget (I personally have a bad habit of twisting my stud earrings when I’m nervous or shy). Laugh. Be expressive. Show emotion. And most importantly, be yourself.

I identify with this so much. I have a bad habit of twisting my nipples when I’m nervous or shy. And whilst I want to be myself, I really do, I find it hard, because sometimes myself is a hairy woman without a maxi dress covered in actual butter because she can’t afford Palmers, who wears her underwear outside her clothes.

I truly hope you feel far more confident now then when you started reading this. Now go smash through those glass ceilings like the hulk and The Huffington Post want you too.


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