Comedy, Writing

25 Things a Woman Should Have by Her 30’s

The Huffington Post recently published an article called ’25 Things a Woman Should Have by Her 30’s,‘ which was really insightful.

I have re- posted it below.

See how many you can tick.

1. A passport (the more stamps the better).
2. The ability to flirt, elegantly, yet convincingly.
3. A great aesthetician to turn to for brows, other waxing needs, a facial, a massage.
4. A fail-safe skin care and makeup routine for day, and one for evening.
5. A signature fragrance.
6. A form of physical exercise you are passionate about.
7. A friend who can count on you as her “get out of jail” card.
8. A set of champagne glasses and a champagne you know you love.
9. A handbag from an iconic French or Italian design house.
10. A set of pearl or diamond stud earrings that makes you feel elegant and put together no matter the tears in your jeans.
11. A pair of jeans you know you look great in (with or without tears).
12. A garter-belt, and the confidence to wear it.
13. The ability to write the perfect thank-you note (and the stationery that goes with it).
14. Eye cream that you use religiously twice a day.
15. Something on your wall that is neither a poster nor a family photograph.
16. The ability to forgive (others, but yourself first).
17. A family you love.
18. The confidence to ask for what pleases you in bed.
19. The confidence to say no. At work. In bed. And everywhere in between.
20. A savings account and a retirement fund.
21. A local bar that will always find you a seat (because you go there often and tip well).
22. A restaurant you can take clients out to lunch that will always give you excellent service and act like they know you (again, because you go there often and tip well).
23. A set of stilettos that will give you confidence no matter the day you have had (and that you can walk in).
24. A person whose happiness you put above your own.
25. A bucket list.

Whilst this article was well informed and universally applicable, it had overlooked a few things.Like, an irrational phobia or a favourite random sprouting hair on your body.

So I decided to fill in some of the blanks for those lazy bloggers at The Huffington Post,

I call it….

30 Things a Woman Should Have by Her 30’s or Else She Will be Eaten by Sharks.

1. A passport you don’t think about until you read the word passport, followed by several hours of, ‘now where the fuck did I put that.’ Yeah, it was in the bread bin.

2. The ability to flirt, drunkenly, yet convincingly.

3. The realisation that your moustache is not as visible as it looks in the mirror of a car or at a Boot’s makeup counter, so it’s probably fine.

4. 5 bowling balls.

5. A signature podcast.

6. A form of physical activity you love… when it is over.

7. A friend with a large boot in her car… who will help you move house.

8. An alcohol collection, which includes a bottle of limoncello.

9. A drawer full of old tights.

10. Earrings from Claires accessories that turn your ears green.

11. A really weird meal that makes you happy when everything has turned to shit, like mushy peas, cheese and tuna. That’s mine. You’re welcome.

12. Matching underwear you pretend you put on by accident, ‘oh my god, you’re so right, they do match.’

13. A dusty candle

14. A collection of incense

15. Three oyster cards.

16. A text message from a STD clinic telling you that you’re clean.

17. A family you love, with fractions you dislike.

18. The confidence to ask for what you want in bed, unless you’re sleepy.

19. The confidence to say no. At work. In bed. And everywhere in between. Unless you’re sleepy.

20. A savings account with a quid in.

21. The perfect retort for when someone calls you feisty, grabs your arse in a bar or offers to buy you a drink you don’t really want.

22. Somewhere you can go for brunch with friends on a Sunday, which is always over priced and disappointing, yet you keep going back.

(Alternatively – Accepting you will never go for brunch on a Sunday with your friends, because people have stuff to do on a Sunday, like go for long walks in the countryside or do big shops at Asda.)

23. A local coffee shop where they assume you have an expendable income rather than just being shit with money

24. A person whose happiness you put above your own, but only because they promised to do the same.

25. A Bucket or The Bucket List on DVD.

26. A favourite X Men.

27. A favourite repressed memory

28. A box of crap which includes train tickets, photos of friends you don’t speak to anymore and a greasy Now That’s What I Call Music CD.

29. A recurring burn or weird lump on your thumb from your hair straighteners.

30. The ability to ignore lists which tell you all the things you should own by a certain age, because you were too busy marching to the beat of your own drum, and you know what, your drum doesn’t beat in 4/4. It’s beats in 16/7.

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